I have always been open with my struggles around codependency. I have tried to use my journey as an inspiration for others who find themselves in the same situation, fearing that void of being alone or facing major decisions in their lives, some of which are imposed on them. While many academics, psychiatrists and indeed therapists, doubt its existence, I am living proof that it can have a major effect on a life filled with external focus. I have many clients who are exactly the same. I have been on a long journey but feel I am now at a point where I manage it well. Managing is the word as I believe we are, as codependents, only one thought or relationship away from relapse. It takes initial awareness followed by courageous action to pull through and we all have that in us.
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In this post, I share my journey of navigating and growing through codependency in my relationships. This exploration is aimed at illuminating the subtle, often unseen patterns of my codependent behavior, particularly as they appear within the Drama Triangle – a framework for understanding social interactions and conflict.
I begin by reflecting on how codependency has influenced my life, especially through the roles of Rescuer, Victim, and Persecutor within the Drama Triangle. This exploration delves into the experiences of enabling, self-sacrifice, and the challenging mix of anger and passive-aggressive behaviors that often accompany these roles. By sharing these experiences, I paint a picture of the internal battles and the significant effects these patterns can have on personal wellness and relationship dynamics and indeed, had on mine.
Moving forward, the emphasis shifts to the empowering process of breaking away from these counterproductive cycles. This part of the story is about facing and healing from fears of abandonment and feelings of unworthiness, and gradually learning to find self-worth internally rather than solely through relationships. This journey, shared with honesty and vulnerability, is a testament to the resilience in self-discovery and the development of healthier ways of relating to others and I believe, all of us can achieve it, however difficult that may be.
This story is shared in the hope of offering understanding and solidarity to others dealing with codependency. It’s a glimpse into the complexity of personal growth and the rewarding path towards more fulfilling and balanced relationships.
Reflecting on the type of childhood that I had that led to my codependent behaviors in adulthood, certain patterns and family dynamics come into sharp focus. Growing up in an environment where emotional needs were consistently unmet or where the boundaries between the child and caregiver were blurred layed the groundwork for my codependency. I learnt that my value was tied to my ability to meet the needs of others, often and always neglecting my own. I often went through cycles of craving attention and distancing myself bfrom the family, hoping they would notice my absence. It never worked but I persisted.
My childhood was characterized often by overt abuse and neglect. It was emotionally barren and unpredictable. My parents themselves struggled with their issues, mental health challenges, and their unresolved traumas. As a result, I took on the role of the caretaker, peacemaker, or the emotional crutch in the family from a very young age. This went in cycles depending on the state of the relationship between my parents…I was needed as a support when it was bad, not needed when it was good. Subsequently, I went through cycles of percieved acceptance and real rejection. The last thing I often heard my father say was how he wished i hazd never been born or that I should be sent away. I often feigned illness to get sympathy.
I was tasked with caring for my siblings, something I resented and only found peace alone with nature and animals. In these cases, I was rewarded for being selfless, for putting others first, and for being the ‘good’ child who doesn’t make demands (I was to afraid to demand anything). This reinforcement instilled a belief that self-worth was tied to how much I could serve or be useful to others. Over time, I learnt to tune into the needs and moods of those around me, becoming hyper vigilant to changes in moods and atmosphere and reacting accordingly to keep the status quo. I learnt that I could gain return if I only did all that was asked of me.
Additionally, emotional expression was discouraged or punished in my family and I grew up feeling that my emotions or feelings and later, opinions, were invalid or burdensome to others. I learnt to suppress my feelings and needs, setting a pattern for future relationships continuously striving to please others, often ignoring my well-being.
In essence, my childhood fostered codependency where the seeds of these behaviors were sown in subtle yet profound ways. It’s a childhood marked not just by what happened, but also by what didn’t happen – the absence of healthy emotional modeling, the lack of validation for personal feelings and needs, and the missing experience of being valued for simply being oneself rather than for what one does for others. As a child, I had no other choice but to believe that this was how things worked.
Codependency, a subtle yet pervasive force, has deeply influenced my life and relationships. It manifested in ways I often didn’t recognize until much later, and understanding it required unraveling the complex dynamics of the Drama Triangle—a model illustrating the roles of Rescuer, Victim, and Persecutor that individuals often cycle through in conflict and dysfunctional relationships.
In the throes of codependency, I frequently found myself in the role of the Rescuer. I believed that by constantly being there for my partners, by fixing their problems and making their lives easier, I was being a good partner. But this behavior was a form of control. It was about making myself indispensable, about creating a situation where I was needed so much that abandonment, my greatest fear, seemed less likely. However, this enabling behavior was not without consequences. It led to a pattern of self-sacrifice where my needs and desires were consistently sidelined, fostering resentment that I struggled to express openly.
The Victim role was equally familiar. I would often feel overwhelmed by the situations I found myself in, feeling powerless and mistreated (and often, this was just a feeling). It was easier to blame my circumstances or my partner for my unhappiness, rather than acknowledging my role in creating and perpetuating these dynamics. This sense of victimhood was a safe haven, absolving me of the need to take responsibility for my choices and feelings.
But the weight of unacknowledged anger and frustration would inevitably build up, and I would find myself playing the Persecutor. In these moments, my anger and resentment would surface in passive-aggressive behaviors or outright blame towards my partners. Ironically, the very people I had spent so much time and energy rescuing or feeling victimized by would become the targets of my frustration. This shift to the Persecutor role often left me feeling guilty and ashamed, reinforcing my belief that I was unworthy of a healthy, balanced relationship.
Breaking free from the ingrained patterns of codependency has indeed been a monumental and ongoing challenge in my life. It demanded a profound confrontation with the uncomfortable reality that my approach to relationships was fundamentally flawed. Recognizing that my behaviors were not only unhealthy but also unsustainable was a pivotal moment, one that marked the beginning of a transformative journey.
This journey required me to face some of my deepest fears, particularly the fear of abandonment. For so long, my actions in relationships were driven by an underlying terror that I would be left alone if I wasn’t indispensable, if I didn’t continuously cater to the needs and desires of my partners. This fear was intertwined with a pervasive sense of unworthiness, a belief that I was not enough just as I was, that I had to earn love and affection through sacrifice and overextension.
Confronting these fears was a daunting task. It meant peeling back the layers of my psyche, understanding the origins of these fears, and how they had come to dictate my behavior in relationships. This self-exploration often led me down a path of painful memories and realizations, but it was a necessary process in order to heal and grow.
One of the most significant aspects of this journey has been learning to find validation from within, rather than constantly seeking it in my relationships. This shift required me to develop a stronger sense of self, to appreciate my own worth independent of others. It meant cultivating self-love and self-compassion, learning to be kind and forgiving to myself, especially when confronting my own imperfections and past mistakes. It has meant discovering passions and activities I had been denying myself.
This internal validation has been about more than just feeling good about myself; it’s been about fundamentally changing the way I view relationships. It’s about understanding that I am whole on my own, that a partner should complement rather than complete me. This realization has been liberating, freeing me from the compulsive need to please and the constant fear of rejection.
As part of this process, I’ve also had to learn new ways of communicating and setting boundaries. It’s been about expressing my needs and desires clearly and respectfully, and not feeling guilty for having these needs. It’s also been about learning to say no, to recognize when a relationship is demanding too much from me or is not aligning with my values and needs.
Breaking free from the patterns of codependency hasn’t been an easy journey, and it’s one that I continue to navigate. It requires constant vigilance against old habits and a commitment to personal growth. But it’s a journey that has been profoundly rewarding, leading me to a place of greater self-awareness, healthier relationships, and a more fulfilling life.
Stepping out of the Drama Triangle has required a fundamental shift in how I perceive myself and my relationships. It has involved setting and respecting boundaries, not just with others but also with myself. It’s about recognizing when I am starting to sacrifice too much or when I am slipping into enabling behaviors. Open and honest communication has been key, as has been learning to express my needs and feelings in a healthy, constructive manner.
This journey has been as much about unlearning old habits as it has been about learning new ways of relating to others. It’s an ongoing process of self-discovery and growth, and while I still identify as codependent, it no longer dominates my relationships. Instead, it’s a part of my past that informs but doesn’t dictate my present, allowing me to forge relationships that are healthier, more balanced, and truly fulfilling.
This journey of self-discovery and growth has been deeply rooted in my work with inner child therapy and parts work, which have provided a foundational framework for understanding and healing myself. Inner child therapy has allowed me to connect with, understand, and heal aspects of my younger self that were wounded or neglected. By nurturing and addressing the needs of my inner child, I’ve been able to release old patterns of behavior that were rooted in unresolved childhood experiences. This process has been instrumental in helping me understand the origins of my codependent tendencies, revealing how they are often a response to the unmet needs and fears of my younger self.
Parts work, on the other hand, has been a revelation in acknowledging and integrating the various aspects of my personality. It has taught me that my identity is composed of multiple ‘parts’ or sub-personalities, each with its own desires, fears, and motivations. Recognizing these parts has been crucial in understanding the internal conflicts that often lead to codependent behaviors. By dialoguing with these parts and understanding their intentions, I’ve been able to negotiate healthier ways of being, both within myself and in my relationships.
Both inner child therapy and parts work have been transformative in reshaping how I relate to myself and others. They have provided me with the tools to not only heal old wounds but also to build new, healthier ways of connecting with people. This has involved learning to set boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and developing a more balanced sense of self-care. It’s about realizing that I can offer support to others while also honoring my own needs and well-being.
These therapeutic approaches have also empowered me to break the cycle of codependency. By healing the parts of myself that felt unworthy or afraid, I’ve been able to build relationships based on mutual respect and genuine affection, rather than on a need for validation or fear of abandonment. My relationships are now more fulfilling and less driven by an unconscious need to please or fix others. Instead, they are characterized by a sense of freedom, where both parties are allowed to be their true selves, supporting each other without losing their individual identities.
In essence, this journey has been about coming home to myself, about understanding and integrating the various aspects of my being into a coherent whole. It’s a process of learning to love and accept all parts of myself, which in turn allows me to engage with others in a way that is healthy, balanced, and truly fulfilling. The work is ongoing, but each step brings me closer to a life where my relationships are a source of joy and strength, rather than anxiety and limitation.
