As I write, it’s been a wonderful summer to this point. Though rather hot at times, there has been ample opportunity to explore the great outdoors, travel and generally enjoy the longer days. As we all know, winter comes soon enough and while it has its own beauty, not much can match a long, hot summer. I have personally spent it doing as much hiking as possible. Where I live has some beautiful trails and much to discover. I plan a camping trip in the next few weeks and there is always some renovation project going on in the house.
That’s really the point of this article. Most of the things mentioned above, I do alone. I have really found a sense of individuality in the last few years and discovered parts of myself that I was either ashamed of or neglected completely. When I started this process and made space for it, my first thought was… what do I do now? But that is just the place to start. Think hard enough and you will know. I for one, discovered my love of farming and everything associated with it. I grew up in a farming environment and that side of me got lost as I pursued other things. I am a country person at heart so the switch made sense.
You may be thinking, why didn’t I do this before? After all, isn’t it a natural process to explore and maintain your passions? That might be true for some people but if you, like me, identify as codependent, you have probably been focusing your attention elsewhere and have seen that as your life mission. You have likely had an external focus, not on your passions but the needs of others. This means that you have been trying to fix, control and manipulate the environment around you in order to feel safe. This is, as a codependent, your default method, learnt from childhood, that other’s needs have priority over yours.
Some codependents are so enmeshed with their partners, friends, family or even work that they have no sense of their own needs or even who they truly are without what they do for others. For a codependent, it’s a lonely place when left with just yourself to cater for. Many will never realise how codependent they are, and some of those who do will refuse to give it up. It is far easier to be codependent than working on individuality. Practicing individuality means everything you have taken for granted and to be true in life is suddenly turned on its head! Additionally, there is the question of filling the rather large void that might be left afterwards.
It all starts with self awareness. Most codependents will know on some level that they are dependant on others for their valuation and self-esteem. Due to much coverage online about codependency, they will also know that they responded to dysfunctional parenting by giving more, over achieving or becoming a caretaker for siblings or indeed, parents. This taught them not only to focus outside themselves (to the detriment of their development and individuality) but also the feeling that to be safe and secure, the environment and the people in it need controlling or fixing. Sometimes, it only takes a comment from the people around them.
I suffered with this for many years. I would have solutions for people made up before they even knew they had a problem! I was hyper vigilant and always on the lookout for different moods and anything that I needed to jump in on. This wasn’t altruistic. It was controlling. I was seeking validation for the things I did and intervened with and would get moody and pouty if it didn’t arrive in the quantities I expected. What a nightmare for anyone around me!. I was also in denial. I convinced myself I was the good one and couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong.
People who are recovering from codependency find it very hard to understand that helping someone isn’t always the best thing to do. For many codependents, being the rescuer—the person who steps in to solve problems, make things easier for others—is an important part of who they are. This habit often starts in childhood, when people learnt to get love and approval by helping others, following rules, or putting others’ needs ahead of their own. It can feel almost cruel to step back and let someone deal with their own problems when you’re an adult and feel the need to “fix” something. But in healthy relationships, help works best when it’s given only after the other person has asked for it or shown clear permission.
Help that isn’t asked for often comes with hidden strings, even if the person isn’t aware of them. The person who helps may want something in return, like thanks, a reward, or some kind of confirmation. If these expectations aren’t met, anger grows, and things can quickly become toxic. Also, offering help without being asked can make the other person feel less capable. Again, this is usually not meant to show that you don’t trust them to handle their own life or that you think you know what’s best for them more than they do. Over time, this makes people less independent and can lead to dependence or resistance.
This cycle can be broken by waiting to be asked for help or by asking for permission first. It lets other people be in charge of their own lives and choices. It also gives you time to think about why you’re helping: are you doing it because someone really needs it, or because you feel anxious, uncomfortable, or guilty when you don’t? This pause is a powerful time to think about yourself. It asks you to be okay with not being able to control what happens and to believe that other people can handle their own lives.
With this approach, support is not completely cut off. To change from a reflexive, helping stance to a responsive, respectful one is what it means. Tell the people in your life that you’re there for them if they need you, but you’ll wait for them to do something. This might sound like, “I’m here if you want some input” or “Would you like me to help with that?” in real life. These short phrases set limits and change the tone of the conversation from one of control to one of working together.
Helping only when asked or given permission isn’t just a way to avoid getting too involved; it’s also a way to show respect for other people’s independence and dignity, and more importantly yours. It takes trust in yourself and the people you care about, and it’s one of the most important things you can do to break the cycle of codependency.
