I get many texts and emails from people who are in relationships they want to leave but can’t (read won’t). Mostly all codependent, their favourite line when confronted with the idea that they might consider leaving is “Yeah, I get that logically”. Why are they not listening to that voice? Why do they stay with someone who demeans/abuses/disregards them rather than being alone? Why do they often find excuses to return even when they do leave? (Read dog’s birthday, want to test the new me, he/she has changed in the two weeks since we broke up).
Codependents are drawn to the very people who they believe need fixing and are the worst possible partner for them. The narcissistic, the avoidant and the emotionally unavailable. This continues the “repetition compulsion” pattern of their childhood but also protects them from their own vulnerability. Most codependents will not be interested in the kind person trying to connect with them. They are not familiar with these relationships and often find these suitors “boring”. They are not as glamorous or attractive as the “bad boy” player who keeps them at arms length. Codependents love the push-pull aspect of this and in their mind, keeps them in control. Little do they realise that the person they are trying to control has an agenda of their own. These “relationships” can sustain themselves over a long period with the codependent grumpily and resentfully “trying to fix” and the emotionally distant maintaining that stance.
Codependents usually never take responsibility for their own lives, and it’s not because they’re lazy or unwilling. It’s because, at some point, they learned it was safer to focus on others than themselves. In nearly all cases, this pattern starts in childhood. If a child grows up in a home where their needs are ignored, dismissed, or punished, they may learn that their best chance at safety or love comes from meeting the needs of others instead. They become the parent’s “little helper”, they parent the parents and overachieve, looking for the validation they deserve by default. Over time, they stop asking, What do I want? and start asking, What do they need from me? This is how they survive while building up an unhealthy dose of toxic shame and guilt because they cannot meet the needs of the adults around them. Something they are not cognitively developed to do. Codependents almost never ask themselves “what do I need?”. Shame on parents who allowed this to happen and sometimes parents do need to be held responsible for them result of their actions.
This survival mechanism becomes their go-to as adults and they unknowingly seek out partners to practice it, rejecting anyone who is not tuned into their fixing. Rather than owning their desires, setting boundaries, or taking charge of their lives, they remain fixated on the emotions, expectations, and reactions of others. Responsibility shifts outward and an exterior focus is established. They take on the weight of others’ emotions and issues, yet neglect their own growth and well-being.
Codependents frequently grapple with a profound fear of being rejected or abandoned. They’ve mastered the art of pleasing others to maintain connections, even at the cost of their own needs. Making your own choices (especially those that could let someone down) can be extremely daunting. They keep things right for others, they are hyper vigilant and they walk on eggshells. They’re on standby at all times because it feels more secure that way. Mix in a total absence of boundaries, where it’s tough to see where others stop and they start, and it gets even trickier to figure out what “taking responsibility” really means.
But dodging responsibility? That’s a win for a codependent. It’s recognisable. Blaming others or circumstances feels easy. It’s an excuse for not being happy. It sidesteps the tough job of making real change happen. It’s a lot simpler to zero in on someone else’s issues than to confront your own hurt. When codependents have never had the chance to make their own choices, stepping up and taking charge can seem selfish, even risky.
Many codependents live in a state of quiet desperation, caught between the need to please others and the nagging sense that their own lives are passing them by. Over years of therapeutic work, I’ve seen a recurring pattern: the refusal, often unconscious, to take full responsibility for one’s own life.
Taking this responsibility requires a degree of emotional separation that codependents often find frightening. They’ve been conditioned to believe their worth lies in being useful, agreeable, and self-sacrificing. As a result, they remain enmeshed in the emotional lives of others, mistaking control or care for love. But true love—both for others and for oneself—cannot exist in a state of enmeshment. Codependency is not love. It requires individuality. Without that, any act of giving is suspect, often tied to an unconscious need to be validated or needed in return.
The process of recovery must begin with the recognition that the individual life belongs to the codependent. Not to the partner, not to children, not to parents. Until that recognition takes hold, it’s nearly impossible to set healthy boundaries or make decisions based on personal values and goals. I often encourage my clients to begin with small, intentional choices, ones that reflect their own preferences, not someone else’s expectations. This is where the concept of individuality becomes central. When you act from your own values, you start to build a sense of identity separate from the roles you’ve played.
There is often guilt in this process. Codependents feel disloyal, even selfish, for prioritising themselves. But this guilt must be examined, not obeyed. It is the echo of old conditioning, not a truth. As clients begin to take ownership of their lives, they often experience a paradoxical sense of peace. The world doesn’t fall apart when they stop managing others. It becomes clearer, more manageable. In time, the desire to control others fades, replaced by a much healthier drive: the need to live from one’s own truth. This is the path to authentic connection, with self and others, and ultimately, to emotional freedom.
