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How many times have you heard someone say “I can’t change”? If you are like me, you have heard it many times. In most cases, what is really being said is “I won’t change”… I am happy with how I am and I see no reason to change. When you are in a relationship with such a person, you have a clear dilemma… do you accept this or not?

Let’s qualify the word “change”, we are not talking about changing a personality to fit in with someone else…. that is not sustainable. We are talking about rigid thinking concerned with communication, conflict-management and attitudes that might alienate a partner, such as silent-treatment and stonewalling. There are, of course, cases where such changes in thinking would be virtually impossible. There are people who are so convinced that their views and ways are so correct, that they do not the need to even discuss them, let alone look at even changing them. Under these circumstances, one must wonder if a relationship would ever conceivably work with an individual like this. That said, many choose to stay in relationships like this for reasons of their own.

The key word here is certainly choice. You cannot really complain if you have chosen to stay in such a relationship and accepted fully the notion that your partner “cannot change” or you stay because you are hoping that over time, change will happen. That person is also making a clear choice even it seems out of their control. The “cannot change” motto is in most cases a schema based on fear of change… A clear defence mechanism that keeps them in a secure place. A place that no-one is really allowed to enter. It is a method that works for them. As an individual, the issues arise when another person comes into their life. This is when this rigid view starts to affect all aspects of interaction. How could it be any different?

Back to the dilemma. How much change in attitude can we reasonably expect in our partner before we say “This is not for me”. The key is clear communication. As stated, we cannot complain if we accept everything but we can make our needs and wants clear to our partner and expect a functional response. Clear, honest, respectful dialogue about what is not working (and about what is) sets a standard for the relationship. It is then up to both partners to decide whether they can meet those standards. If not, then the consequences are clear, or should be.

Many couples I deal with in therapy face this issue. Should I stay or leave? The fact that they are in therapy means they have recognised the issues but cannot (or will not) find a solution. Breaking up is never easy but sometimes there is no other way. This decision is in fact based on whether your needs are being met and you are able to do the same for your partner. If not, and the couple cannot (or will not) work it out, then separation is most likely the best outcome.

A good marriage with someone we truly love is generally the fairytale that is sold to us by society, sometimes parents and definitely religion. We are all expected to go on to develop along a certain tried and trusted path which includes marriage. Many are totally unprepared (especially if they marry young) for the immense amount of hard work that goes into keeping the thing going, almost the same amount of effort that is needed to keep a business afloat and running viably. The shock that comes when two suddenly become one means that life will never be the same again.

As official divorce rates suggest, over 50% of these unions fail to make it. Many marriages are broken through financial pressure or infidelity or one or both partners wanting something new. Many never get to this stage and stay together even though little seems to keep them tied to each other. These marriages seem to be the ultimate in convenience, two people afraid of making the changes that need to be made and resigned to living in a loveless union “for the sake of the kids” or some other excuse. These are usually the type of couples who end up on my couch and I make it extremely clear early on that my job is not to keep them together under any circumstances but to help them get to a point where they can make a decision to either improve the marriage or potentially end it.

Many of the same problems exist in the marriages of most of the couples I see and many of them are unaware that such negative habits have crept into their marriage. Some have spoken openly with each other for the first time in a long time when they come for the first session leading to a huge amount of surprise from both partners about some of the statements made. While we can all think of potential problems that can wreck a marriage… the common spectrum is not so wide, in my experience:

Taking a partner for granted: This is probably the number one reason why marriages fall flat. The marriage becomes routine, stale and lacks any kind of excitement. Thinking that your partner will always be there leads to a notion that nothing has to be done to make that happen… complacency on one side, resentment on the other. This is usually never spoken about for fear of “rocking the boat”. It is clear that sometimes the parallel lines that hold partners together get blurred when such events as children arriving happen, when some couples have difficulty finding each other again.

The Emotional Bank Account: A marriage needs to be worked on similar to the effort needed to run a business. The idea of the emotional bank account was one that I was introduced to while reading works from Stephen Covey. He suggested that if you continually withdraw from the bank account without depositing, then bankruptcy will follow. The concept is great… put as much into the marriage as you expect to take out. Something that is often out of balance.

Assumptions, Assumptions!: We as humans have never mastered the art of mind-reading but the practice is alive and well in a lot of marriages. Assuming what a partner is thinking or how they are likely to react without evidence is a very common problem. The subsequent behaviour that follows is nearly always based on a false impression. As I said earlier, many couples are surprised when they find out that these impressions and assumptions are wrong.

Competition… win-lose, lose-win: There are those couples around who tend to be in competition with each other continually for the honour of being right. That clearly means that someone in their eyes has to be wrong. They keep going until this happens… pushing and probing until effective communication is impossible in the race to see who gets the finish line first. On the other hand, there are couples where one is dominant and the other is the proverbial “doormat” giving in to keep the peace. The idea of win-win is a concept that is alien for these couples.

Selfishness: There needs to be fairness in the distribution of work and responsibility within the relationship. This willingness to extend oneself also pertains to meeting emotional needs. Placing one’s desires consistently ahead of a partner’s emotional needs and responding only when it is a matter of convenience, demand or negotiation can leave a spouse feeling unloved and resentful.

Leading separate lives: Relationships also suffer when couples do not mesh their lives through shared activities, recreational companionship or spending enough time together. Living too independently from each other takes away connection and joy from the relationship. Couples need to function as a team when it comes to parenting, managing a household, sharing finances, and relating to relatives. They need to consult with each other about important decisions and coordinate their schedules. Time needs to be set aside to enjoy conversation, adventure, common interests, vacations and fun. Time spent together should be anticipated with pleasure. Without this component, couples drift apart and have little in common.

Dishonesty, laziness and other character defects: Basic trust and respect underlie love and form the basis of relationships. Lies, deceit, disloyalty, secret habits, or emotional dishonesty about thoughts or feelings destroy trust and respect. Spouses who willingly do not take or follow through with their personal responsibilities unfairly shift those burdens to their partner. Marriage is a partnership between equals, not a parent/child relationship.

It is a known fact that most couples who have “good” marriages just know how to deal with marital problems effectively, and they make an effort to keep their relationship alive. All of the problems mentioned can be solved leading even the most sceptical and “difficult” of cases to a revival of what brought them together in the first place. It is often as simple as that… more time, more understanding, more communication, more focus. Two willing partners will manage this and more.