If you are like me, sometimes you get stuck and there seems no way forward. You know the right thing to do, how to do it but it just doesn’t work. No matter how much awareness you might gain or encouragement comes from others, you stay “stuck”, convincing yourself that you “can’t” do it.
As humans, we are able to somewhat predict the future, not accurately, but enough to make us anxious about what is about to happen. It is often a case of “better the devil you know” than take any form of risk. This is often consolidated by the grey matter between our ears, often described as the “inner dictator”, that processes all our fearful thoughts into a protective, cautious stance. Of course, if we decided to feed more definite, more positive thoughts into our brain, it may process them too.
It is true that many people feel stuck in their lives. I come across them daily. People who want to change their lives, relationships and even location, without moving forward at all. They talk a lot about it, inform themselves and then do absolutely nothing, or procrastinate while making excuses. So why is this? Why can’t we easily act on our plans or move ourselves forward when we want to, or know that we have to?
Join me on November 9th, for a brand new round of group therapy dedicated to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. This 4-session workshop is for you if you are stuck in a relationship with a narcissist or your narcissist has gone and you are still struggling with the aftermath. My goal is to support emotional healing, identity restoration, and the development of healthy relational tools in a group setting, with others going through the same thing. Each session is 90 minutes and includes psychoeducation, reflection, somatic practice, and take-home exercises.
The inability to move on is rarely about laziness or the lack of will. More often, it’s about the past and what’s bubbling under the surface. This could be due to unresolved trauma, grief or a series of painful relationships that have left their mark. The mind continues to circle back to these stories. What this produces is fear.
Making changes in your life means, primarily, stepping into uncertainty. For some people, experiencing familiar pain is easier than the unfamiliar alternative. The past often defines us in our minds and if our identity has been defined by past events, it’s hard to imagine life without it can feel threatening, however positive the change is. Additionally to this, many fall into learned helplessness. After trying and things not working, it’s easier to believe it never will.
The unfortunate truth is that no amount of replaying the past with “what ifs” or “if only” statements will change what has happened. Our brains often replay past events to make sense of them, but the result is rumination and a fixation on “can’t do”. What is needed is a conscious decision to stop dragging the past into today.
So what can we do? The first step is acknowledging that things the protection measures we’ve employed in the past didn’t work for us. This might be difficult as there is much comfort to be had from a familiar story, even when it’s a hurtful one. Still, until the reality is faced that holding on to these stories wont bring any kind of resolution, a feeling of being stuck will prevail.
Start with small, manageable, easy to attain first steps. There is always a temptation to change everything quickly, with one big sweep of the brush, once awareness is found. However, big changes can be often overwhelming and can halt the process. Small actions tend to build momentum and that becomes real change. Changing the story that we often tell ourselves is crucial. An example would be shifting a statement like “this is what happened to me and it makes me who I am,” to “this shaped me, but I am more than that.” That simple reframe opens space for freedom to change.
This can be consolidated with daily routines such as walking, journalling, self-care and support from an accountability partner like a therapist, coach or trusted friend who will reflect patterns back at you gently. This makes it harder to stay trapped in them.
A useful exercise is to write down three areas where you feel stuck. For each, ask two questions: What am I afraid will happen if I change? And what am I afraid will happen if I don’t? The answers usually reveal that staying stuck carries the greater risk. You can also try writing a letter to your “past self,” acknowledging what you’ve been through and then gently telling that version of you it’s time to move forward. Another helpful practice is to set a small daily action in each area—something so small it feels almost too easy. This creates momentum. Visualizing your “unstuck” self can also be powerful, picture how you would think, feel, and behave if you were free of old patterns, and then write down one step you can take today to align with that version. Finally, keep a “forward journal,” where you record only what you’re doing now and what’s ahead, training your mind to look forward instead of back.
Growth is rarely quick or easy, but it is always possible. Patience and kindness toward yourself are essential. Criticizing yourself for being stuck only deepens the hole. Compassion and persistence, one step at a time, are what eventually turn paralysis into movement.
