How many people can say that they have truly been in love? I‘m not talking about codependent love, which is not love. I’m also not referring to what happens in the honeymoon period of a relationship, which is generally infatuation. I mean true love. It begs the next question, what actually is true love and how do we know if we have it?
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If you ask a variety of people, you will invariably get a variety of answers about what love is. Many will say that if you are really in need of assistance due to health issues or similar, someone who loves you will put any issues aside to aid the process. Fine, but what if the relationship is stressful generally, outside of this? Some will look at the Love Languages as a guide as how compatible a couple is (or indeed some other similar model). Some will say that your partner giving you undivided attention is love. This means everyone has a different idea of what love means. It also varies in how it plays out in their life.
How can you really tell if you have found true love? As we know, it might take some time to find out. We often confuse falling in love (early stages) with being in love (established). The question is how do we bridge the two? With real love, a relationship grows deeper over time. It goes beyond the surface level seen in the early stages of a relationship. A connection is formed when two people can comprehend and embrace one other’s fundamental principles, beliefs, and aspirations in life. Through this connection, a sense of camaraderie is established. Both parties feel they are working together towards shared goals. However, this doesn’t happen overnight.
Many clients I deal with are in new relationships. It is amazing how quickly these relationships move onto commitment of the kind that generally needs a lot more time to form. It means that a basis is not formed and impatience to get to the commitment stage where things become routine. We often crave that security and assurance that comes with this. Yet, if we move too fast, do we really know who we are moving ahead with?
These days, online dating has changed the way we form connections. What generally took some time, now can be had fairly quickly and in the supermarket that is online dating, we can quickly put one back and take another. The ability to do this has made things much more compressed, to the extent that we just don‘t seem to take the time any longer.
How do we expect to build the foundation of trust, honesty, respect and mutual understanding that is needed when we judge all too quickly partner suitability? The amount of advice you can find on what makes a good relationship is overwhelming. Just about anyone you ask will have a different opinion based on their own experience and relationship. We create a different dynamic with every person we decide to try with but some things stay the same and move from one relationship to another. This includes our never-ending ability to absorb ourselves and effectively lose our identity for the ‘one’.
We are not even talking codependency here, which we all know creates a complex situation all by itself. Codependents will naturally put everything about them in the background and adapt to what they think their partner wants. This attempt at control for their own security usually leads them into relationship with emotionally and physically distant, often abusive and manipulative individuals who have an agenda of their own. Codependents see this as a challenge, wrongly thinking if they can ‘fix’ this person, they will be fine. It never works.
Most of us will become engrossed with a new partner in the hormone driven early stages of a relationship. This is the normal process of attraction where inhibitions are dropped and our brain chemical changes. We have all experienced that feeling where our world seems a lot better than it did before we met this new person. However, as we all know, that honeymoon period will always end at some point and we are left to deal with the real person. This doesn’t need to be negative. It will be different and needs work if the relationship is to move on. This is the contemplation phase where we decide whether to stay (and what we need to do top make that happen) or go.
This is a difficult time for a new couple and the answer is not as clear-cut as we might want to imagine. The traditional honeymoon phase is very addictive and we like to keep it going and we mourn its ending. We are suddenly confronted with routine, no surprises as the ‘real’ person comes through. Just how do you keep a relationship going under these circumstances? It takes hard work and frequent discussion as to how to move forward (if at all). Some at this stage will try to recreate the honeymoon phase with others, trying to maintain this heady feeling. Most will go into the next phase and quickly adapt to new circumstances, however unprepared.
In my opinion, one of the greatest factors of any successful relationship is what we do in the time spent with our partner but crucially, what we do when are not with them. Society and tradition says that we need to give all to our partner but that is not sustainable. We need to keep something for ourselves. I like to look at it this way: See your relationship as three circles. One circle represents personal time spent alone or with friends, pursuing individual interests. Another circle represents time spent with a partner, nurturing the relationship. The third circle encompasses shared activities and experiences.While individuality within a relationship is crucial, many individuals sacrifice their personal pursuits to prioritize their partner. I have encountered individuals who abandon their cherished values and adopt their partner’s lifestyle upon entering a relationship.
As I emphasized in a recent article, a fundamental question to ask during initial dates is, “What do you do for yourself? How do you invest in your personal growth?”Self-discovery can be a challenging concept when societal conditioning teaches that self-sacrifice and denial are necessary for achieving relationship rewards. This process involves introspection, identifying thought patterns and reactions, altering habits and behaviors, and establishing personal values. A pertinent starting point for this process could be the question: “What have I been denying myself?” While this question can be interpreted in various ways, it has the potential to initiate a self-reflection on the sacrifices made in pursuit of approval or control. It is crucial to recognize that this individual-focused approach is not indicative of narcissism or selfishness. Stephen Covey famously asserted that an ideal relationship is established between two balanced individuals who create a nurturing environment for the partnership while preserving their personal aspirations and goals. I wholeheartedly concur with this notion.
