One of the key principles I emphasise to clients is that the only sustainable recovery from codependency lies in discovering one’s own sense of individuality. This involves shifting one’s focus from external influences to internal self-exploration. Upon examination, we often uncover a collection of frightened inner parts that still harbour the desire for connection with those who care for us.
Self-reflection is a foreign concept for the typical codependent. Most have been conditioned to believe that their worth lies solely in their actions rather than their inherent identity. Consequently, they quickly realise that to attain the desired connection, they must take action. Regrettably, amidst this pursuit, they lose sight of their true selves. They become mere helpers, mediating conflicts between their parents, excelling academically, and achieving corporate success. These accomplishments serve their survival strategy, compelling them to abandon their authentic selves. This leaves them with profound feelings of remorse and shame.
One of my favourite authors, Louis Cozolino, looks at the pivotal role of brain development in shaping codependent tendencies, particularly during early interactions. Cozolino emphasises that our interactions with others, especially those who provide care, profoundly impact our brains. These interactions establish neural pathways that influence our emotional processing, stress management, and relationship building. The development of insecure or unhealthy attachments during childhood can lead to diminished self-worth and heightened sensitivity to others’ needs. Consequently, those prone to codependency may develop and engage in people-pleasing, abandonment anxiety, and a tendency to prioritise others’ needs over their own.
Looking deeper into the impact of specific brain regions on behaviours, we can find that in codependents, primitive regions like the limbic system and amygdala may be more prominent. This leads to a preference for seeking safety in relationships rather than cultivating emotional stability internally. Consequently, codependents struggle to prioritise their own needs and establish boundaries.
In contrast, Cozolino conveys a profound sense of optimism about the potential for transformation and healing through neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to form new synaptic connections and reorganise itself throughout an individual’s lifetime. Cozolino emphasises that even behaviours rooted in stress, trauma, or insecure attachment are transient, especially those influenced by early life experiences. He states that the brain is not a static organ but a dynamic system that adapts continuously to new circumstances and can be rewired through deliberate effort. This rewiring involves activities such as seeking therapy, cultivating emotionally supportive relationships, and practising new thought, emotional, and relationship patterns. Repeated exposure to experiences of safety, empathy, and connection progressively replaces maladaptive patterns with more advantageous ones.
Regarding the relationships that influence this shift, Cozolino emphasises the significance of self-relationship. Treating oneself with patience, curiosity, and kindness creates the internal conditions conducive to healing. Utilising this self-relationship as a foundation enables the establishment of more beneficial interactions. The knowledge that the mind can modify the brain through deliberate action, reflection, and conscious awareness is empowering. The stories we tell, the routines we adopt, our self-perceptions, and the inner discourse we foster all have the potential to alter brain wiring. Consequently, healing and progress are not only achievable but also attainable through our continuous interaction with the world within ourselves.
If this theory is to be believed, harmony in our lives and relationships means that we must face new challenges with courage and curiosity. If we are truly capable of changing our conditioned brain by exposing ourselves to more functional, connected experiences, it is a life changer. It would also mean that the need for pharmaceutical drugs would lessen. We can either believe what our childhood environment taught us or we can use our conscious mind to dispel what isn’t correct, by proving it so.
