Blog

I’ve always wanted a simple life, without complication or drama and to live my life in a way that reflects that. Since I was young, I have charted my life through the seasons and changes in the way nature works. Coming from the country, it’s easy to do that and it brings a consistency and inevitability missing in other parts of life. It also brings the simplicity I yearn for and keeps you firmly grounded. There is nothing better than being out in nature to help you forget other things happening.

To be honest, that simplicity hasn’t always been possible because, as humans, we might have a relationship or two along the way. That’s not to say that these relationships complicated things but I have also said on many occasions that we are all incompatible by nature, until we do some work to close the gap. Clearly, I and the people involved didn’t do enough of it, which is often the case. In some cases, work is done on one side and not on the other, which means the relationship stands little chance.

So here I am at nearly 64 with a great future behind me. Even though I am physically and mentally fit and work hard to maintain that, life’s lessons keep coming, along with the consequences of choices I have made. I like aloneness and being in my own space but codependent tendencies have kept me in situations longer than I should have been and the people-pleasing, avoidance of conflict and enabling have done me no favors, especially when that is why other people stay. I have always found relationships perplexing. Torn between what is socially expected and what I know in my heart is right for me, they have never really worked for me. It’s only now as I enter “elderly” status that I feel I know myself enough to be comfortable with who I am, rather than who I think others want me to be.

I am, in basic terms, just happy to be here. Twice in my life, I could have perished. First, as a two year old, I had a near fatal dose of TB, combined with bronchitis. My teenage parents were told at one point that I would not survive the night. Yet, I did. Secondly, in 2010, I survived a fall from height in a barn I was renovating and only by complete luck did I not land on my head. It did leave me with an arm full of metal to this day. So, I get the idea of death awareness and making the most of what we have, even though some of my points might seem cynical and negative.

Let’s look at what I think I’ve learned. These are not life rules, just my experience and while some might resonate, I am not advocating that anyone follows these as a guide. Everyone is different, even if we fail to see that sometimes.

1. Big lesson. No-one is coming to save you. Your life only changes when you take responsibility for it. We go into relationships, thinking this person or that person, will save us and we are too often disappointed. People can, and will withdraw help and support when it suits them. Thinking that others will save us, gives away all of our personal power.
2. Humans are more resilient than we allow ourselves to believe. Most of us have trouble facing the issues in front of us and facing those issues is the key to life. We are taught and conditioned to soothe, escape and avoid but often this is an excuse for procrastination. As Scott Peck wrote in The Road Less Traveled, confidence is gained by facing things and overcoming them.
3. We get nothing by right in this world. No-one is guaranteed anything. Love, success, money only come with putting in the effort, being as genuine as possible and hoping that’s good enough.
4. Never see anyone as a life-long partner. It rarely works. People change and people will come and go as they please, as will you. The only life-long relationship to cultivate is with yourself. Never, ever, give up aspects of your life to fit in with others and if someone encourages that, ask yourself why.
5. You can be a good person and still lose everything and everybody. The reverse is also true. Life isn’t fair and never will be. Effort and outcomes don’t always match. This should not stop us living our life according to values and principles. If you know you are doing the ”wrong” thing, stop it immediately and start doing the ”right” thing.
6. Some people will never change and this is true, despite you thinking that if you become indispensable in their lives, do more, love more, it will help. It won’t.
7. Don’t discard your peace for the excitement of other people’s chaos and drama. Mainly because that chaos and drama won’t change and it will consume you in the end.
8. Here is a hard one but one I find to be true. A lot of people only care when they need something, whether consciously or unconsciously. The skill is to cut through the fog and recognize it and take action. Genuine relationships are rare, cherish them.
9. Learn to say no. Time is a valuable asset that we never have enough of. Use it wisely. Focus on what you know you can influence.
10. Either be with someone in a relationship who truly supports you or find someone who will or be alone. Check yourself too. Are you being supportive? If not, why?
11. A comfort zone you build around you will stunt your personal growth. Real change comes in sitting in discomfort, learning from it and taking action.
12. Work on your routine and discipline, the bedrocks of individuality. Walk for 20 or 30 minutes a day, sleep well, scroll less, eat healthily and find ways to relieve stress.
13. Remember that some endings are good for your health. Things end, people change and life goes on. It’s not the end of the world if someone leaves you. How you deal with it though, could be.
14. The hard truth is that you will come across people who will love to see you struggle and many will leave when you need them the most. Either because they weren’t genuine or have no capacity to love and lack self-awareness.
15. If someone uses controlling tactics like silent treatment, emotional and physical withdrawal or anger around you, leave. If someone abuses you physically, leave. They will ask for second chances, don’t believe they will change. Never stay in a relationship when you are being disrespected.
16. Not everyone will understand you and that’s ok. Peace is much more valuable than other people’s approval.
17. Look at yourself first before projecting blame. Learn to regulate your emotions, focus on what really matters, delay gratification, do the work first and try not to think the world revolves around you.
18. There is much to savour in life if you recognise it and take the opportunity. Take risk. It might open up the chance of disappointment and rejection but it will also help you find possibilities.