Blog

Commentators on relationships (including therapists) often get hung up on what we might need from our partner in a relationship. What needs do we wish to have met? What do we need from them when conflict inevitably comes? Are they on the same page as us? While these questions are important and in some way, need to be answered, they are only part of the story. What’s becoming clear is that these questions can be adapted to show more individuality. What needs can I meet myself? What is going on inside of me when conflict happens? Am I capable of being on the same page as this person? These questions will be answered by referring to our personal and relationship values and they should be different. 

The quantity ( and quality) of advice available regarding the characteristics of a successful relationship is insurmountable. The opinions of individuals will vary depending on their personal experiences and relationships. We establish a distinct dynamic with each individual we choose to pursue, but certain aspects remain consistent and transfer from one relationship to another. This encompasses our perpetual capacity to submerge ourselves and, in effect, relinquish our identity in favour of the “one.”

We are not even discussing codependency, which, as we are all aware, is a complex situation in and of itself. Codependents will inadvertently disregard their own interests and conform to their partner’s expectations. This pursuit of control for their own security typically results in a relationship with emotionally and physically distant, abusive, and manipulative individuals who have their own agenda. Codependents perceive this as a challenge, mistakenly believing that they will be successful if they can “fix” this individual. It is never functional.

The majority of us will become captivated by a new partner during the hormone-driven early phases of a relationship. This is the typical process of attraction, during which inhibitions are removed and the chemical composition of our brains is altered. We have all encountered the sensation that our world appears significantly more favorable than it did before our encounter with this new individual. Nevertheless, as we are all aware, the honeymoon period will inevitably conclude, and we will be left to confront the genuine individual. This does not necessarily have to be detrimental; however, it will be distinct and necessitate modification in order for the partnership to progress. This is the phase of reflection during which we determine whether to remain (and the steps necessary to achieve that) or depart.

This is a challenging period for a newly formed couple, and the solution is not as straightforward as we might wish. The conventional honeymoon phase is highly addictive, and we are inclined to prolong it, even as we lament its conclusion. The “real” person emerges, and we are abruptly confronted with routine, devoid of any surprises. In the face of these circumstances, how does one maintain a relationship? It necessitates diligent effort and frequent dialogue to find the most effective course of action (if any). Some individuals at this stage will attempt to replicate the honeymoon phase with others in order to preserve this euphoric sensation. The majority of individuals will transition to the next phase and promptly adjust to new circumstances, despite their lack of preparation.

I believe that one of the most significant factors in any successful relationship is the actions we take during our time together, as well as the actions we take when we are not with them. Society and tradition dictate that we must devote ourselves entirely to our companion; yet, this is not sustainable. It is imperative that we preserve something for ourselves. This is the perspective that I prefer: View your relationship as a series of three circles. There are three circles in a relationship: one for you, where you spend quality time with yourself or companions, pursuing your individuality, one for your partner, who does the same, and a third circle for the shared experience of quality time.

While it is true that individuality is crucial in a relationship, many of us sacrifice it to enter the other person’s orbit. While initiating a relationship, I have encountered individuals who relinquish all of their personal values and adopt the behaviors of their new partner. In a recent article, I stated that the sole inquiry that should be asked during initial encounters is, “What do you do for yourself, and how do you work on yourself?”

The concept of self-discovery is often challenging when we are taught and conditioned to believe that the rewards of a relationship will be obtained through our sacrifice and denial of this. It is a process that we must adhere to, and it often entails gaining insight into our thoughts and emotions, altering our habits and behaviors, and establishing personal values. A logical inquiry to start this process is: “What have I been denying myself?” Certainly, this inquiry can be addressed in a variety of ways; yet, it is most effective when it serves as the beginning of a dialogue with oneself about the sacrifices made to satisfy or govern oneself. It is crucial to emphasise that this individual focus is beneficial and is not linked to selfishness or narcissism. Stephen Covey often stated that an ideal relationship is formed by two individuals who are well-balanced and create a unique space for the relationship while maintaining their personal objectives and aspirations. I wholeheartedly concur with this.

At its core, rethinking relationships means embracing the beauty of individuality—both our own and that of our partners. True connection doesn’t come from losing ourselves in another person but from standing confidently beside them, growing independently while sharing our journey. By fostering self-awareness, open communication, and mutual respect, we create relationships that thrive not on dependence, but on appreciation. The healthiest love is one that allows us to be fully ourselves while celebrating the uniqueness of those we choose to share our lives with.