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Sometimes the hardest task for a therapist is to convince a codependent that they have actually been abused by their narcissist (ex) partner. Please remember while reading this article that women can also have narcissistic tendencies. I have used “him/he” for ease here.

Look at some of the statements I have heard:

“If I had not been so needy, maybe it would have worked”

“It must have been me. All other relationships I had were fine”

“He was so loving at the start. What did I do to change him?”

“I ruin every relationship I have because I am difficult and expect too much”

“I know he’s bad for me but I can’t forget him”

Much of this is, of course, is down to a codependent’s natural tendency to take responsibility for everything. Part of it is the fact that the narcissist partner has taken full advantage of this and has convinced and conditioned the codependent to take the blame. This is done through constant subtle and not so subtle criticism and put-downs. It also is a lack of knowledge about narcissism and its effects. Many codependents I see are surprised that they have been in a relationship with one. 

Narcissistic abuse can be very subtle or very obvious, but there are some common signs people often experience. Here’s a list of common abuses:

• • Gaslighting: You’re constantly questioning your memory, perception, or sanity because they deny things you know happened or twist facts.

• • Love-bombing and devaluation: At first, they idealize you — excessive flattery, attention, gifts — but later they criticize, belittle, and devalue you.

• • Blame-shifting: Everything is somehow your fault, even their own bad behavior.

• • Silent treatment and emotional withdrawal: They punish you by ignoring you or withdrawing affection until you apologize or give in.

• • Projection: They accuse you of things they are actually doing themselves (cheating, lying, being selfish).

• • Control and isolation: They try to control where you go, who you talk to, or how you spend your time, often under the guise of “caring” or “protecting.”

• • Triangulation: They bring other people into conflicts — praising others to make you feel inferior, or getting allies to gang up on you.

• • Chronic criticism: They nitpick and criticize everything you do to chip away at your self-esteem.

• • Emotional rollercoasters: Relationships with narcissists are often chaotic — intense highs followed by crushing lows, keeping you off-balance.

• • Walking on eggshells: You feel anxious and hypervigilant, always trying to avoid upsetting them.

• • Loss of self-worth: Over time, you start doubting your value, intelligence, attractiveness, and instincts.

Still, another reason persists that is very common. The narcissist has excelled in the first adulation phase. The codependent (or anyone) has come to believe that this is the “true” person. When the mask drops and the “real true” person emerges, they believe the character change relates to them. They think it is due to their needs or something they did. Keep in mind that if you become involved with a narcissist type, your relationship is inevitably doomed. They will have control over that process and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. 

The adulation phase is very powerful for codependents. The narcissist builds an illusion. Even though it is just an illusion, it is the first time that a codependent has had so much attention paid towards them. This attention is false and intended to hook the codependent in. Yet, it hits deep to the core. Letting go of it is difficult. I wrote some time ago about this:

“There is an old saying which is especially relevant here and one that codependents do well to remember. That is “You learn more about a person at the end of the relationship than at the beginning”. With a narcissist, this is especially true. The adulation stage (the beginning), is an illusion, a mask, that convinces the victim that they are with someone who is capable of empathy, compassion, understanding, and love. The world is totally in order and all of their needs are being catered for. Maybe for the first time in their life, they feel totally appreciated. There is more fun, sex, and connection than they have ever known before. The problem is, as they will soon find out, it is not real and reality will bite them.”.

Stage One: Over Evaluation – The Illusion is Created

Narcissists are very choosy. They choose their victims carefully and their choice is usually based on such things as status, wealth, influence or ability. The victims are usually attractive and popular. The more of this the victim has, the greater the value of the supply for the narcissist. Narcissists are great observers at this stage. They place their victims on a pedestal and make sure that they get everything they need in the way of care, loving and attention. They idolize, worship them and make the victim feel that they have been waiting all their life for this person. The victim actually believes that the narcissist is in love with them, but this is infatuation. The relationship moves quickly based on the promises that the narcissist makes. The victim is so wrapped up in all the attention they get. They happily move along with it. They can’t believe their luck that this person is in their life. They have fallen for the illusion created by the narcissist and it leaves them totally unprepared for what is to follow.

Yet, narcissists have their own reasons for connecting with others that has nothing to do with love.

Stage Two:  Devaluation – True Colors

This is the phase when the narcissist starts to show their true self. Once they are confident that the victim’s love and devotion has been secured, the narcissist’s false self portrayed in the first phase starts to disappear and the true self starts to emerge. Many victims start to wonder at this stage what is going wrong as the narcissist starts to emotionally and physically withdraw from the victim. The truth is that the narcissist has become bored and the void is starting to open up again. The narcissist starts to question the victims worthiness, blaming them for the moods and agitation the narcissist displays. The narcissist starts to emotionally abuse their victim, leaving them an emotional wreck and it often results in the narcissist leaving. The victim usually tries all they can to hold onto the narcissist, giving them the benefit of the doubt, hoping the illusion will reappear. Unknown to the victim, the narcissist feeds off the victim’s misery as much as admiration, either emotion keeps the victim hooked. The cruel, uncaring individual emerges from behind the mask as a true reflection of the narcissist. They will take no responsibility for their actions and have no compassion for their victim… They simply do not care how their victim is or how they are feeling. Victims are often at a loss at this stage to understand what happened and even more confusing is when the narcissist reappears occasionally with the false self in view, hoping to tap into the supply once again. This will continue until it suits them to stop it. The victim was never anything but an object, to be discarded and thrown away at the convenience of the narcissist. At this stage, the narcissist is probably already targeting their next victim, ignoring the earlier victim completely or the victim has started to place healthy boundaries around themselves. Either way, the result is the same.

Stage Three: Discard

Being involved with a narcissist is like having a tornado blow its way through your life. Once it has died down, you are left with a mess. Emotionally, financially and sometimes physically, the victim has suffered greatly. It is incredible how quickly a narcissist can leave their victim and pull away, airbrushing the victim out of their lives completely, separating anything that held them together and completely ignoring the victim. At this stage, victims are asking “did he or she really love me?” The answer is no. Victims are only a means of narcissistic supply, a resource to be discarded when spent. Once this happens, the victim is quickly thrown away, abruptly, without warning and with surgical precision. This is a traumatic phase for the victim who has likely had their self-esteem shot to pieces, been made to carry all responsibility for the narcissist and usually has to watch the scenario playing itself over again with the new victim. It is important for victims to realize that they were initially targeted by a con-artist and could not have done anything differently. The narcissist that breezed in and out of your life will do this with everyone they meet. They usually have a past full of similar victims and the future will be the same. The one thing that is essential is to close all doors because the narcissist will always reserve the right to revisit an old source of supply, when it suits them.

Convincing a codependent that they have been, targeted, used and discarded is difficult as the narcissist has fostered an emotional bond in this stage. The later stages are defined by his or her emotional and physical withdrawal, which leaves the codependent thinking they must have done something.

In the end, it pays to be cautious in any relationship. You can only commit when you have the evidence that it is safe to do so. The ability to recognise “red-flags” and not ignore them is essential as well as the ability to set boundaries. Even if you have “Prince Charming” in front of you, be aware that this might not always be the case. In some instances, you could have a version of Jekyll and Hyde! Never settle for second best. A good relationship has passion, intimacy and connection. All the things that narcissists can’t offer.