Any parent will testify the range of emotions associated with bringing up a child. Joy, heartache, worry among others are part and parcel of the package. What parents do while bringing up their child(ren), will have a marked effect on how the child develops a sense of his/herself and how they relate to the world and the people around them. Many studies suggest that our adult personality is largely formed in our early formative years and is thought to be set at a certain point in infancy. While such studies are sometimes disputed, it can be observed in therapeutic situations that behaviour learnt early in life is also exhibited later (this is not always negative either). It makes sense that we would carry certain aspects of our early selves forward.
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There is no perfect parent and everyone will make mistakes along the way. Parents who are in tune with the accepted developmental stages of cognitive growth their children might go through, might be best placed to coach them through. Even so, parenting is fraught with frustrations and at times, things can go awry. Think of the “terrible twos” and the “sulky teen” phases. Much of the behaviour exhibited during the aforementioned stages is natural and a normal part of growing up. Parents sometimes see normal behaviour as rebellious or wrong and do their best to subdue or change it through punitive discipline (or medication) rather than understanding and building effective connection, and connection is the key word in this context. If children are not taught to effectively regulate their emotions and are not shown boundaries, it is a concept that might escape them for the rest of their lives, causing havoc and dysfunction in future relationships. Much adult behaviour can be attributed to the childhood influence of good, bad or mediocre parenting. That said, while we are not responsible for our conditioning, we are 100% responsible for changing it as adults if the need is there.
In my experience of providing therapy, I could make a case for child-like, boundary-less behaviour in many cases of cheating, addiction, non-commitment, lack of communication, promiscuous behaviour, codependency and narcissism, etc, amongst my client group but mostly it is in conflict situations that we revert to familiar behaviour learnt early on. Think of that three year-old who starts crying uncontrollably when the right amount of attention is not there, when his or her parents are busy or choose to ignore her cries. Think also how much of that behaviour can be stopped by offering calm, non-judgmental connection. Think of the child who is never allowed to express himself or is sent to his room “to think things over” when he does it. Even worse, where children are abused physically and emotionally for normal child-like behaviour. What does this do to a child’s view of how to handle emotional upset?
How we handle conflict as adults can (without consciously changing it), be a mirror of our interaction with our parents. Conflict is usually highly emotionally charged and is hard to manage without the right tools (and sometimes with them). It triggers us into insecurity and old defence mechanisms appear such as shouting, raging, nagging or emotionally withdrawing and staying silent. We sometimes use these consciously in power battles to gain attention, dominate or placate in the same way we did as children. Witnessing couples in conflict, I have been able to draw a direct link between the way they deal with conflict and the connection they had as children with their caregivers. It is at this time that the “inner child” is at its strongest and loudest but what to do? Sometimes, these methods have worked so often, we are reluctant to change them. Sometimes, the ideas are so rigidly set that it is very difficult to change them and there always needs to be a will to change them.
Many therapeutic methods give one the chance to “return” to the scenes and experiences that defined this behaviour and reframe them. The insecurity attached to the emotions is often driven by guilt, shame and trauma and these especially need to be processed effectively and new thinking and tools learnt. It is often a hard road but a worthwhile journey of self development and awareness. In an ideal world, we would not need to rectify our parent’s mistakes but this is anything but an ideal world we live in.
So What is a Good Parent?
There are all types of parents and all types of parenting styles. Parents normally parent how they were parented themselves, good or bad. Where else would they get the knowledge they need? It is their first point of reference and this is sometimes why the same issues run through generations of the same family. I always say that you must learn to be a parent and with the wealth of knowledge out there, this learning can be easily had. However, much of the codependency we see today is the result of less than stellar parenting from the last two generations and beyond.
Gender roles were set in stone, the breadwinner father, emotionally distant and usually there for discipline, had little to do with raising children. The mother, overwhelmed with a number of children as well as the home, had little time for real interaction with children, leaving them bereft of the attention and validation they needed. There was scant awareness of child development and authoritarian parenting styles were prevalent. No wonder many of todays adults grew up with a never ending quest for connection. Todays parents seem to be more aware of what is needed to help a child develop functionally and realise that this means more than offering the basics. Below are a list of effective roles and responsibilities for parents with child development in mind:
Good parents offer the “good” basics by default: This means clearly food, shelter, aspects of well-being and the necessities for survival. However, it also means exampling basic good behaviour, being a role model and avoiding addictive and unhealthy behaviours.
Good parents offer protection: Obvious but can be an issue. Especially younger children need constant supervision and attention. Apart from protecting children physically, protection also means protecting them from adult concepts they are not ready to handle. Many codependents have described the situation where they were made to deal with their parents issues and caretake rom a young age.
Good parents promote physical connection: Physical connection from parents is known to be a vital part of child development. Young children feel safe and loved through physical connection with their parents and it promotes bonding. Many codependents have described where physical connection was intentionally withdrawn as punishment;
Good parents understand child development: When this is the case, behaviour can be assessed as age appropriate or not. Good parents understand which behaviour belongs in each stage. Many enmeshed parents will have expectations for children that are not age appropriate or will fail to understand what their child is going through.
Good parents understand that parenting changes as a child gets older: Children in healthy families move through various developmental stages from dependence to interdependence and parenting needs to be adapted as this happens. Bad parenting means keeping a child dependent or codependent for the parent’s purposes, either as a caretaker or an extension of themselves.
Good parents set rules and boundaries: A good parent will realiser that younger children need a safe and secure physical environment. As the child grows, they set limits by offering explanations, clear choices, rewards for good behaviour and discussing logical consequences. For ac teenager, more negotiation and responsibility. Children subjected to inconsistent parenting and fewer boundaries tend to grow up without limits on their behaviour and an unhealthy dislike of authority. Many codependents have stated that the ability to set boundaries has been an issue for them in relationships.
Good parents validate the child’s feelings and teach them emotional regulation: Good parenting means being a good listener which helps a child to express feelings and thoughts. They also help them find effective ways of expressing them without aggression or feeling ignored or criticised. This means eventually that the child will learn that is is fine to express thoughts and feelings in an appropriate way, something codependents have learnt is dangerous for them. In childhood, codependents are often taught that they are only allowed to express thoughts and feelings if they think and feel the same way the parents do. They are often rewarded for this, leaving the child believing that expressing thoughts means manipulation.
Good parents work towards independence for their child: Children move from total dependence to possible independence if things run fine. Good parenting means providing the tools needed to think independently and be able to make decisions based on this, taking responsibilities for action taken and a wide range of social skills. Bad or selfish parenting means this might not happen. Either too much is done for the child or the child is made fearful causing enmeshment. Some children are made to feel guilty for wanting to be independent and some will comply with the parent’s wishes to keep them dependent. Others will break away in a counterdepeindent move which means that even though they are physically distant, emotionally, they are still attached. They often transfer this dysfunction onto other relationships
