Many codependents I work with talk about narcissism, often because it plays a major role in their lives. As people who tend to attract difficult personalities, they’ve often endured the worst of narcissistic behavior. Many stay in these relationships for years before finally “waking up.” Then begins the frantic rush—fuelled by friends, therapists, and social media—to go “no contact,” the unofficial rule for dealing with narcissists. A quick internet search reveals thousands of pages written by people who’ve lived through it, offering advice. That’s fine, and in cases of abuse, I fully support no contact. But it’s not always so clear-cut. Much of the advice out there is personal and unique to the writer.
Many codependents I work with talk about narcissism, often because it plays a major role in their lives. As people who tend to attract difficult personalities, they’ve often endured the worst of narcissistic behavior. Many stay in these relationships for years before finally “waking up.” Then begins the frantic rush—fuelled by friends, therapists, and social media—to go “no contact,” the unofficial rule for dealing with narcissists. A quick internet search reveals thousands of pages written by people who’ve lived through it, offering advice. That’s fine, and in cases of abuse, I fully support no contact. But it’s not always so clear-cut. Much of the advice out there is personal and unique to the writer.
Codependency is about losing yourself in another person, trying to control your environment to feel safe. It’s easy to label someone a narcissist and think that’s the solution. The danger of going no contact is using it just to blame: “I’m the victim,” “They did this to me.” By focusing solely on the other person, we miss the real work—taking responsibility for our own behavior.
Hopefully, that work happens during no contact, but many just move on to the next incompatible partner. I say this as someone who’s been there. I did the hard work and learned—through trial, pain, and honest self-reflection—that the real issue wasn’t them, it was me. My need to fix, rescue, and control was the magnet. These people were symptoms, not the cause.
Codependency isn’t about others—it’s about you. About taking responsibility for the parts of your behavior that leave you vulnerable. Your codependency started in childhood, shaped by critical and protective voices you couldn’t reason with. That’s the reason—not the excuse.
In my experience, these areas need focus:
– Self-care: Foreign to codependents, who believe caring for others is their purpose—until they’re left alone and broken.
– Care-taking: Martyrdom might look good to others, but underneath lies resentment when you don’t get what you hoped for.
– Lack of Boundaries: You weren’t taught, but you can learn. Love needs boundaries. Period.
– Enabling/Controlling: How often do you complain, enable, repeat? Say you want change—but secretly love the role of fixer?
– Forget the narcissist. Focus on what you can control: your thoughts, your behavior, and what you must do to move forward.
