Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel like hell. But what if that narcissist is your parent… and they’ve cloned you into the “perfect” version of themselves? Many children are chosen to carry the burden of healing a parent’s own broken past. For simplicity, let’s focus on a father and daughter, though this dynamic can involve any parent-child pairing.
A narcissistic parent, shaped by their own dysfunctional childhood, often believes that creating a “perfect” child and being seen as a flawless parent can somehow heal their inner wounds. This child, treated as a prince or princess, receives all their unhealthy attention. Through this child, they aim to prove their worth to themselves and others. Yet the emotional manipulation involved devastates the child, often leading to deep codependency or even the creation of the next generation of narcissists.
Such a parent, driven by shame and self-loathing, leans on the chosen child to feel competent and valued. That child becomes trapped in the endless role of pleasing the parent, sacrificing her own identity and dreams. She becomes nothing more than an extension of the parent’s ego, rewarded with praise only when she feeds the parent’s emotional needs. Over time, she adapts by becoming overly accommodating, forming habits rooted in codependency in her search for real, unconditional love. Those children who resist are punished more severely, often becoming narcissistic themselves after being cast aside as “problems.”
This dynamic typically continues unchanged into adulthood. The daughter’s childhood role persists, undermining her relationships, self-esteem, and even her own parenting. To outsiders, the father may appear as a loving, successful man, but behind closed doors, he is an ego-driven manipulator. The demands placed on his chosen child serve only him. If she tries to prioritize her own needs—choosing her own career or partner—he responds with emotional withdrawal, disapproval, and shifting attention to other children as punishment. Knowing she craves his approval, the child usually returns, apologizing for asserting her needs.
In her adult relationships, she may resist any control, even becoming manipulative herself. She easily attracts partners but discards anyone her father disapproves of, sidelining her own desires to avoid his rejection. True healing for the chosen child begins only when she recognizes the reality: she’s just a tool in her narcissistic parent’s game—a form of child abuse at its most covert, hideous and harmful.
