Emotional incest, also known as covert incest or enmeshment, is a destructive dynamic in which a parent crosses emotional boundaries with their child, typically using them as a surrogate partner or emotional confidant. Typically, this dynamic occurs when a parent, often of the opposite sex, leans on their child for emotional support that should be provided by an adult. The parent reveals improper personal information, burdening the youngster with issues that exceed their developmental stage.
This dynamic can seriously impair the child’s emotional development. Children who have experienced emotional incest often grow up confused about boundaries, unsure of their own identity, and uneasy in relationships. They experience excessive guilt, worry, or apathy, and struggle to create healthy, independent connection.
The phrase “emotional incest” highlights the serious boundary violations involved. While it does not include physical violence, the emotional impact can be significant. Parents that engage in this dynamic often have unresolved traumas and lack healthy coping strategies, which causes them to project their unfulfilled emotional needs onto their children.
Research into emotional incest is limited, but expanding. Kenneth Adams popularised the phrase “covert incest,” allowing experts to separate it from normal parent-child connection. According to studies, survivors often endure life long obstacles, including trouble setting boundaries, relationship issues, identity confusion, and mental health issues like anxiety or depression. Many people also repeat problematic relational patterns, gravitating towards roles in which they help others emotionally while ignoring their own needs. Codependency 101!
Gender relations can influence how emotional incest occurs. It is often observed between parents of opposite sexes and their children, and is influenced by cultural expectations and relational conventions. Therapy, particularly trauma-focused techniques, can help survivors in processing their experiences, establishing boundaries, and rebuilding a stronger sense of self.
Consider Jane’s story. Jane was raised by her single mother, Sarah, who regarded her as an emotional partner from an early age. Sarah, incapable of coping with her own loneliness and emotional hole, relied on Jane for solace. She shared adult difficulties like financial struggles, solitude, and unresolved family tensions, leading Jane to take on the role of carer. Jane’s wish to seek approval from others, as well as her deep fear of abandonment, became more apparent as she grew older. Her sense of self-worth was linked to meeting the emotional needs of others.
Emotional incest can leave long-term scars, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, substance abuse, and difficulty building healthy adult relationships. Emotional incest leads to codependency, in which the child’s value is linked to serving the demands of others. Healing entails recognising these habits and learning to prioritise one’s own emotional well-being.
