If you are codependent, you will know that being needed is essential for you. When in recovery, one of the hardest things to realise is that your whole identity has been built around it. You cannot perceive any other way of living your life and in fact, you can’t imagine that for your partner either. This comes from childhood, where you learnt that safety and security came from being useful, being the helper, the listener, the parent amongst adults. Over time, this consolidated into who you thought you were.
But what happens if you are no longer needed? The relationship ending, your partner standing on their own two feet or when there isn’t a crisis to manage, can send codependents into a sense of panic, an anxious feeling that something is missing. At this point, codependents will often find another situation, in order to feel a sense of purpose. Somewhere where you are needed again. This is the main theme of the upcoming Recovery from Codependency groups starting on November 9th.
Yet, this isn’t weakness, it’s conditioning. Your nervous system, mind and body have been trained to equate “being needed” with “being safe”. Without this role, codependents might feel exposed, anxious and uncertain of themselves. Recovery means separating an identity from a function. You are not the roles you play. The caretaker, fixer, rescuer or the overly dependable one who never lets anyone down. These are survival strategies that took root in childhood. At that time, they made perfect sense but they are behaviours and not who you truly are.
The real work of recovery starts when you allow space for reflection. When you resist the urge to jump in, fix or explain and advise. Codependents may not like what they find in that space at first when a truer self starts to emerge, but at least it is real. From there, you can begin to build relationships rooted in mutual respect and not rescue.
Ask yourself:
– Who am I today if no one needs me?
– What have I been denying myself, while I have been fixing others?
– What would it feel like to believe that others can look after themselves?
These questions might feel daunting but they are truly map the way to individuality and recovery from codependency. It isn’t about caring less but about caring without losing yourself in the process.
