One of the upcoming themes in Recovery from Codependency groups, starting in November, will be the subject of individuality. What that means and how to achieve it. We often struggle to know, as codependents, what that could possibly look like. We are usually so focussed on the external world that nothing really matters other than that.
Yet, there often comes a point in recovery where something shifts and you start to realise that you don’t want to abandon yourself any longer. It doesn’t usually come as some great, dramatic event but a steady development.
This development comes generally after years of putting others first through fixing, rescuing and over-functioning in relationships and never getting back what you put in. This was consolidated by the belief that self-sacrifice was love, that being good meant being selfless to the point of abandonment and it was your job to keep the peace.
Eventually, your body starts to realise what your mind (and brain) is avoiding and exhaustion sets in. It could be that you feel anxious and resentful when you see that your constant giving and self sacrifice isn’t compassion or love, it’s survival and control.
Join me on November 9th 2025 for a new round of group therapy dedicated to codependency recovery, delivered via Zoom; Plus free access to my Codependency Self-Help Program (worth 390 USD).
Choosing yourself doesn’t mean becoming cold or distant or avoidant to the point of selfishness. It means recognising that your needs matter as much as anyone else’s. It means setting boundaries when someone has crossed them and it means ending conversations and perhaps relationships, when you are being disrespected. It’s also allowing others to take responsibility for their own actions and choices, even if they struggle.
When you start on this path, you may feel guilty or something may feel off. You may question the new version of you and the temptation will be to revert to your “normal”. Guilt, especially, will tell you to do this as you feel your nervous system responding. It’s not a sign of doing something wrong, just doing something different.
Over time, you will experience moments of calm that used to feel foreign to you. You will start to find that the right people will stay with you and respectfully adjust to your boundaries and limits. You will start to fill your life with people you trust and truly love you for who you are. The others will drop and fade away.
Healing from codependency isn’t about abandoning love or relationships, it’s about making them honest. Including the one with yourself. When you do this, you stop performing and start living. You learn that saying “yes” to yourself, isn’t selfish and doesn’t take anything away from others. It simply gives you back what was stolen from you in childhood…your individuality and identity.
And that’s recovery….. not rescuing others but rescuing the parts of you that were lost in everyone else’s story.
