Missing someone after a breakup can feel like a tornado. One minute you are fine and moving along, the next scrolling social media or old photos, convincing yourself they weren’t all that bad. However, do you really miss them, or do you miss the version of you that was desperate to be loved and validated by them.
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Once you take a moment to think, you will realise that every time you replay the good moments, you are conveniently skipping over the parts where you felt anxious, unseen or the way you performed to keep their attention. You convince yourself it was true love, but it was survival. You adapted and twisted yourself into something more agreeable, likable, more understanding, more accommodating. You subdued who you truly are to avoid conflict and criticism. You made yourself smaller, just to say “chosen”. That’s not love. It’s self-abandonment with false romance thrown in.
When I hear my clients say “I miss them so much” (you won’t be surprised to know that this happens often, even with the most hideous, abusive relationships out there), what they usually mean is “I miss the dopamine rush of being wanted and in control”. That version of you, probably waiting on a call or a text, decoding messages for hidden meanings and treading on eggshells around someone’s moods is not someone to mourn. That version needs saving from itself.
Longing is a trick played on us by the nervous system. It doesn’t mean that they were right for you. It means you got hooked on the push-pull, silent treatment, the few breadcrumbs you were given. This reinforced it all and you became a version of yourself that lived for crumbs, mistaking them for connection.
So, when the memories start flooding back and the anxiety starts, don’t romanticize it or them. Ask yourself, “Who was I really when I was with them?” Were you grounded, safe, confident or at peace? Or were you anxious, uncertain, and constantly trying to prove your worth to them?
The person you were around them tells you everything you need to know. Missing someone is a natural feeling for humans and part of the human experience but rebuilding yourself after them is where you start to reclaim your identity. That’s when you stop begging for love and start owning your worth.
You don’t need to miss who you were in their shadow. You need to meet the version of you that finally stepped into the light. That’s who you were meant to be all along.
