Codependency recovery is not as complicated as many would have you believe. The first step is awareness of symptoms and root causes. When this is established, direct action on the path to individuality is the antidote to codependency. Group therapy allows you to share that experience with others on the same path. It helps to know you are not alone in the journey. Join me on November 9th 2025 for a new round of group therapy dedicated to codependency recovery, delivered via Zoom; Plus FREE access to my Codependency Self-Help Program (worth 390 USD).
There is a point that every codependent gets to in recovery. That point is usually after the breakup or discard when their mind just will not be quiet. They replay conversations, read articles, scan pictures for clues, doom scroll looking for answers and talk endlessly about what was done to them. They become convinced that if they can just work the toxicity or the narcissist out, they will finally find peace. However, this obsession (which happens more than you might think) isn’t detective work based on curiosity. It’s fully a trauma response.
When a codependent has grown up in chaos, their nervous system is hyper vigilant and learns to stay safe by staying one step ahead. This means figuring people out, along with their motives. They predict moods, analyze tone of voice, and try to decode silence. Understanding others becomes their shield of protection. In their adult world, that same survival skill becomes obsession.
The codependent brain isn’t really trying to understand, it’s trying to regain control and finding ways to do it. The logic is fairly straightforward. “If I can work out what happened then I can stop it happening again”. “If I can label their disorder, it means I’m not crazy”. However, this endless analysis paralysis doesn’t help. It just consolidates the trauma bond. Every time the narcissist is thought about, the body processes the same emotional spike. Cortisol, anxiety and even worse, the hope. This hope is like scratching a wound that won’t heal.
This is how the trauma bond plays out. It looks like research and progress. It feels like empowerment. But, it’s really avoidance. A way to stay focused on them and what they did instead of dealing with the pain they caused. Turning inward and doing the work means facing the real grief in that you “loved” someone who was never going to be available emotionally. Added to this, was the fact that you mistook love for survival and you abandoned yourself to stay connected.
Progress starts when you stop trying to understand your ex and start to understand yourself. Ask yourself, what were you hoping to achieve by “figuring” them out. What would it mean for me if I stopped thinking about them and what emptiness am I hiding in me with all of this analysis?
Your brain is a vessel of resistance and will attempt to alter course. It is programmed to seek out and return to the familiar. This is safe. However, peace is not found in this comfort zone with more insight about “them”. It’s found when you can be present with yourself. When you stop analysing and allow yourself to feel the pain, the obsession fades away and healing can start.
