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We often talk about the concept known as the “We-Self”. This is where two broken, traumatised people come together with the aim of completing each other. It’s often also stated that “two broken people can’t build something whole.” but is that totally true? If two trauma survivors fall in love (as often happens with codependency), it can be a vehicle for healing or a reenactment of everything they once suffered and hurt them deeply. The difference lies not in how much pain they carry but how they consciously handle it.

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When both in a relationship are childhood trauma survivors, the early stages feel magnetic and wonderful. There is a sense of “being seen” and a recognition of each other’s wounds. This very familiarity can also be the biggest problem. What feels like intimacy and closeness may actually be a trauma bond. A emotional enmeshment formed through shared pain, fear and survival methods rather than genuine safety and trust.

In trauma bonded relationships, connection only works with intensity. The highs are fantastic, the lows catastrophic. One partner`s withdrawal triggers abandonment issues in the other, anger triggers anger or silent treatment. Instead of calm and secure connection, the couple and the relationship survive on emotional adrenaline. Both may confuse this with connection and passion but it is truly their nervous systems reliving their past together.

It may sound impossible but not all trauma based relationships are doomed. Two people who have done self-work can form an empathetic connection. They can witness the pain in the other without being triggered or collapsing under the weight of it. They recognise when the trauma issues are coming up and take responsibility for regulating themselves rather that externalising it or blaming each other.

The key is awareness. When one can say “I’m being triggered right now, this isn’t about you,”, a shift takes place from reenactment to repair. In that space, both people can learn what safety and emotional responsibility and honesty truly feels like.

A healthy relationship between two trauma survivors isn’t a destination but more of a journey. It means being constantly honest about wounds and refusing to see your partner as a therapist, parent or antagonist. It’s a daily commitment to self regulation, open communication and compassion, not intensity or highs and lows that fuel the trauma bond. Of course in this scenario, both partners have to do the work.

This type of relationship can work but only when both people involved stop mistaking chaos for love. Healing together is not about healing each other’s pasts, it’s about creating a present that finally feels safe to grow in.