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For many codependents, love often means chaos, inconsistency, withdrawal and emotional distance from their partners. This pattern is predictable and familiar and the body and brain learns to equate intensity with intimacy. The nervous system of a codependent has be trained to mistake chaos and crumbs for connection. I don’t believe in the “love addiction”, so  often sprouted in the media but I do believe in the “chaos” addiction. The drive towards the familiar. 

So imagine what happens when someone comes along who is the polar opposite of this. Someone who is steady, available, healthy and emotionally safe. The nervous system doesn’t say “finally!”, it starts to panic. “Something is wrong”, “there is no chemistry”, “I’m not excited”, “It’s boring”. The peace that can come from such a person feels unfamiliar so the nervous system is suspicious. 

I have had many clients who have rejected “safe” people to pursue the chaotic, dysfunctional alternative. Inevitably, it ends up exactly as you might think and is often a mirror of the struggle to connect with emotionally distant parents in childhood. However, the peace associated with the safer option is not a sign that the new person is “boring” (a word codependents often use when rejecting approaches), it’s a sign that your nervous system has been calibrated to chase what once hurt you. Repetition Compulsion in action. Your system is loyal to what it knows. When love is presented as chaos, anxiety and uncertainty, safety can feel lifeless.

Codependents will often seek out emotionally distant and narcissistic partners and recreate the emotional dance they experienced as children. They strive for approval, read moods and adapt and try to earn love through caretaking and compliance. It’s survival dressed as romance. The pursuit itself is seen by the nervous system as connection. The more unreachable the partner, the stronger the pull. The distance maintained in this push-pull scenario is often convenient for the codependent, who doesn’t have to be confronted with themselves, just the pursuit. 

What would healing look like? It means slowly retraining the system to see safety as desirable rather than dull. That involves sitting with the discomfort of no chaos, noticing the urge to create drama or rejecting the idea of peace. A healthy reliable partner might not generate the same nervous tension that a narcissist does but given time, safety brings something different. Trust, presence and mutual respect will build true intimacy. In reality, it’s about choosing love that doesn’t hurt.

Your nervous system will learn a new truth every time you reject chasing intensity, in that safety can feel warm and not dull. It’s consistency and trust that rewires the pattern and once you learn to accept that, the more natural it begins to feel. In time, that space you filled with drama and the pursuit of the unattainable will be filled with calm and peace. That’s when you are free.

Journaling Prompts:

1. 1. Write about a recent situation where someone treated you with steady kindness. What did you notice yourself feeling or thinking in response?

1. 1. List three qualities you used to find “exciting” in partners. Then, note what each quality actually created in your life, security or anxiety?

1. 1. Describe what a healthy, reliable relationship would look like for you in daily life, routines, conversations, boundaries.

1. 1. When you catch yourself losing interest in someone kind or available, pause and write down what you’re craving in that moment. Is it attention, validation, or the thrill of pursuit?

1. 1. Plan one small action this week that reinforces safety such as reaching out to someone consistent, saying no to drama, or taking time to rest instead of reacting.

Therapist Takeaway:

If peace feels flat, explore what “aliveness” has meant for you in past relationships. Many codependents have only known aliveness through intensity or conflict. The goal isn’t to chase that feeling again, but to redefine what aliveness feels like when it’s safe.