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If you have been unlucky enough to experience what it means to be in a narcissistic relationship, you will understand this post. You might be confused, hanging on to the relationship in your mind, grieving or questioning yourself. You might have already come to the realization that your exhaustion and resentment come from years of giving and not receiving or you might be blindly going on, hoping one day that your narcissistic partner will wake up one day a more empathetic version of themselves. The consolation, if any,  is that there is nothing wrong with you. 

What you experienced was not simply a difficult or toxic relationship, or even incompatibility. It was a psychological dynamic that gradually and systematically reshaped the way you thought, felt and related to yourself and the relationship. Only those who have experienced this will be able to sympathize. 

Narcissistic relationships don’t end well because they never really started. They begin by meeting and mirroring unmet needs, develop quickly by bypassing trust and end by activating wounds that are indescribable. The cycle can be described as adulation, devaluation and discard. These are not just labels, they are lived psychological experiences that starkly affect the nervous system and ultimately, the sense of self. 

Narcissism does not develop out of confidence, but emotional insecurity. Clinically, narcissistic traits form in early environments where a child’s emotional world is not safe. Needs are dismissed, inconsistently met or only acknowledged when they serve the caregiver’s self-image. This teaches the child that being a separate human being is not safe. They are often over praised for their achievements and made to feel special but only when it meets the parent’s need to feel special or validated.

So, as is common, the child adapts. Instead of developing a stable internal sense of self, they learn to manage shame by constructing an image to project onto the world, Instead of emotional regulation, they seek external validation, admiration or control (mostly all three). As adults, narcissistic individuals relate to others, not to connect but to use that person to stabilize their chaotic inner world. This is why intimacy feels so intoxicating and later intolerable.  

The so called adulation stage which always starts a narcissistic relationship serves a specific psychological function. It is not simply seduction, it is targeting an individual because they can regulate. Through mirroring and idealization, the narcissist creates closeness without vulnerability. Intimacy is accelerated flooding the victim’s nervous system with “love” hormones, long before safety and trust is established. For the victim, they cannot believe they have been seen, chosen and understood by this individual who has fallen in their lap. Clinically, though, this is not attunement but strategic connection.

Codependents are especially open and vulnerable to this period of “lovebombing”. We know that codependency doesn’t form from weakness but from being made over-responsible from an early age. Many codependents learnt that connection depended on over-attunement, compliance or self-suppression. Love is to be earned, not received. So when the narcissistic adulation arrives, it feels like relief. Intensity is mistaken for safety because calm was never safe. 

When the narcissist can no longer maintain the adulation stage, or if the victim is already “hooked”, the demeaning stage quietly starts. A notable shift occurs. Warmth fades and criticism and judgment appear. This happens because intimacy has activated shame in the narcissist and to experience true intimacy, they would need to deconstruct their whole self image and the very issues that created it and this they will not do. Once this happens, the codependent returns to old beliefs, that love has to be earned. They try harder, shrink further and abandon everything about them to restore connection. This is the beginning of the trauma bond.

What inevitably follows eventually, is discard and the physical discard happens long after the emotional equivalent. Many narcissists check out emotionally long before they leave, staying to enjoy the benefits of the relationship while looking at their victims with disgust because they made them do so. For the codependent victim, discard, whether dramatic or drawn out, reactivates deeply held abandonment issues. The nervous system doesn’t register an ending but rejection and worthlessness. This is why many clients I see will pine after these lost relationships and try to restore them to be chosen all over again. The narcissist will often comply, tapping into the supply again for a short time. 

Many of my clients spend their time trying to understand the narcissist. They do this sometimes, to find clues to try and revive the relationship, even if it was hideous. Healing does not begin with understanding a narcissist but in understanding what the victim had to learn to tolerate to stay connected. What did they give up about themselves? Recovery requires self-awareness and action to form individuality and self-trust. When these return or are learnt, the narcissistic cycle will lose its grip for good.