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Another year has passed. Another cross on the calendar of life. Another chance to do it all again. The years roll on quicker as you get older, but with that can come more wisdom and a firmer sense of what matters. I like to look back over a year and compare it to where I was at the same point the year before, and that matters more now.

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This is not a New Year’s resolutions post. I do not believe in resolutions as they rarely last more than a few weeks and often concentrate on doing less of something, but I do believe in reflection. Change starts with self-awareness. We can learn from earlier experiences and mistakes, they give us the material to do things differently.

For me, 2025 was a breakthrough year because I embraced fully the power of I, individuality, personal autonomy, call it what you will. There are many books, programmes and speakers advocating codependency recovery, but the direction is always the same, move towards yourself. Shift from external focus to internal focus. Rediscover the parts of you you discarded because you feared they would not be accepted. Make you a priority, and keep doing that even when you fall in love.

It sounds simple, but of course it is not. When we meet someone new, our brain chemistry changes. Attraction smooths the process and the parts of us that usually judge and evaluate go quiet. That is why everything seems rosy, and why it is hard to take it slowly even when a sensible part of us is whispering that we should.

In truth, we are all incompatible by default because we are individuals. Compatibility is something we build by working on the differences that divide us, from day one onwards. I have seen relationships implode when one or both decide to stop doing that work. A relationship should complement us, never complete us. It should be an extension of our life, not the definition of it.

When autonomy is weak, we often follow a familiar path. Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS, describes the Three Projects: first we try to shut down the parts of our partner that now feel threatening, if that fails, we try to shut down the parts of us that want to do that and in the end we look elsewhere for relief — affairs, overworking, withdrawal, emotional disengagement.

Personal autonomy is the cure to many ills, codependency, relationship conflict, and a diminished sense of self. It means keeping your individuality while in partnership: freedom to decide, pursue goals, speak your values, and set boundaries. I call it conscious detachment, not detaching from your partner but detaching from the idea you cannot exist without them, from the expectation that someone else must make you happy, and from the belief that being alone is bad.

I leave you with the words of Jim Carrey: if we do not rid ourselves of all the versions of us that we are not, we can go to our grave holding an illusion of a person we never were. Happy New Year, and all the best for 2026.