We have all been broken up with and done the deed ourselves. It’s never easy to do or take depending on the individuals concerned, it could take some time to get over. It is one of the big stressors in life but equally, is a part of life that we cannot escape. We don’t just lose the person, we lose a past and an imagined future. Additionally, if you are not the kind of person who has been taught resilience, the kind of person who loses themselves in relationships or you have been overprotected as a child, things can seem catastrophic.
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A breakup doesn’t just hurt emotionally, it destabilizes your routine, identity and most importantly, your nervous system. People very often try to “logic and think” they’re way through the pain but this rarely works straight after the breakup when the body is on high alert. So the approach is stabilize, process and rebuild.
Start with controlling exposure. If you constantly reread messages or trawl through social media, you are triggering yourself. It’s the emotional equivalent of constantly scratching an itch. Here is where willpower needs to come through. Archive conversations, remove shortcuts and reduce access to you and you to your ex-partner. No contact is not punishment, it is an appropriate way of managing pain. It’s hard because it comes at a time when your body is screaming at you to make contact about anything. However, if you must have contact for children or admin, keep it brief and factual through one channel of your choice.
Next, manage urges instead of fighting them. When you feel you want to message, delay it. Ten minutes is enough to break the urge. During this delay, ask yourself three questions, “what am I hoping they will say?”, “What do I need?” And “Who can I contact instead?”. Most urges peak and then fall. Delay and they will lose their power over you. Additionally, avoid grand gestures that you think will change their mind. They very rarely work and often end up with the opposite intended result.
Then it is time to look at thinking. A breakup feels like proof that you are not enough but that is shame talking, not truth. Try to separate reality from fantasy. The reality might be painful, in that they chose to leave and stopped investing but the fantasy says “I am unlovable and they abandoned me because of who I am”. The idea is not to build a life conclusion from a relational loss. At this time, the temptation to idealize will be high. Our brains often edit information to protect us, taking out the worst parts and highlighting the good. Counter it with a simple Reality List, the patterns that hurt you, the events and the dysfunction. In this way, longing doesn’t get turned into compatibility.
Finally, rebuild your daily structure. When you head is in chaos, structure is kindness. Create a purposeful day. Get up, make your bed, wash, eat, a 20 minute walk, face one thing you have neglected and one human contact. It might not be what you want to do but it will pay off. Plan also for “firsts”, first weekend after, first quiet evening, first trip after. Put simple plans in place rather than just facing an empty space.
Breakups are a form of grief. You’re not only grieving the person, you’re grieving the routine and the future you imagined. If you treat it like grief, stabilise your body, reduce triggers, and rebuild in small pieces, you will recover, as we all do. Not by one grand insight or making sweeping changes but by steady, repeated steps that return you to you as an individual .
