Any time that infidelity happens in a relationship, it is painful but when codependency is involved, what happens afterwards can become a trap.
I have worked with many codependents who have a relationship history of being cheated on. Worse still, they accepted it and took their partner back, sometimes multiple times. They often expressed they were doing something “healthy” or “preserving something good”. Some said, “He doesn’t hit me so it can’t be that bad”. They lived with forgiveness and moving on, meaning avoidance. In reality, they were driven by fear.
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Part of the pattern is self blame. He/she cheated but “it must be me”. Not just in sadness but taking full responsibility for other’s decisions. They think the solution is to be less difficult, less needy, be more accommodating, ask for less and accept more. I once heard a client say “If I had made him happier, he wouldn’t have cheated”. That is not love, it’s self-capitulation. If her partner was unhappy, he could have made two adult choices, work on it or leave but he chose to have the best of both worlds, without accountability or consequences.
A second visible pattern is paralysis. Codependents are devastated by betrayal but cannot tolerate the idea of leaving. They stay (longer than they should), subdue feelings and act as if everything “is fine”. They avoid “those” conversations that would force reality into their thinking. Codependents often struggle to move on because to do so takes courage, boundaries, consequences and a willingness to risk disapproval. All, the things they are mostly afraid of. Without these elements, the same relationship continues in denial and the chance that the cheating repeats itself is high.
The third pattern is one that codependents find uncomfortable but it is part of being codependent. Some codependents are highly controlling and they do not leave after infidelity because they can use it to exert more control over their partner. The affair is permanently weaponized under the guise of “ you owe me, you have no rights”. The cheater often submits because of guilt and the codependent controls out of fear. Nothing heals and intimacy disappears.
All three patterns are driven by fear. Fear of being alone, fear of starting again, fear of facing grief. Those who do leave invariably end up quickly in new relationships, following the same pattern. For many codependents, these relationships mirror early attachments where love was inconsistent and gained by managing someone else.
Recovery means not simply asking the question “Can I forgive?” But asking the real question, “ Are the decisions I am making for me, or to please others out of fear?”
Forgiveness without boundaries is not healing. It is compliance.
Journaling prompts
- Where am I blaming myself for someone else’s choices?
- What am I afraid will happen if I set a firm condition?
- If I stay, what would protect my dignity day-to-day?
- If I leave, what support would I need for the first three months?
