Many individuals go through life without truly understanding what healthy love is or how it should feel. Rather, we adapt to navigate relationships (the so-called adaptive personality)by handling the feelings of others, seeking love through excessive generosity, or sacrificing our own identity merely to maintain harmony (the We-Self). If you’ve ever felt trapped in cycles of trying to please others, taking care of everyone around you, or believing you must ensure someone else’s happiness, know that you’re not alone—and there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you.
What many refer to as “codependency” is not a flaw in one’s character. It’s a behavioural reaction from the nervous system. Thanks to advancements in neuroscience, we now recognise that these patterns are not only intricately embedded in the brain, but also completely changeable.
I was inspired to write this post by the insights of Louis Cozolino from his book The Neuroscience of Human Relationships and I will look at the ways our formative experiences influence our relational frameworks—and offer pathways to rewire ourselves for connections that are secure, reciprocal, and fulfilling.
Louis Cozolino discusses how our brains are inherently designed for connection. From the very moment we enter this world, our experiences with others mould us, teaching us not only how to connect but also influencing who we become and crucially who we will later be connecting with.
From the very start of our existence, the development of our nervous systems is shaped by our connections with others. The capacity of an infant to experience safety, soothe themselves, and structure their inner world is fundamentally reliant on their connections with those around them, most notably, the mother. When a carer is consistently warm, responsive, and emotionally attuned, the brain learns: “I’m safe here.” I can rely on myself. I am important. The initial encounters lay the foundation for relationships to come. Cozolino states that a baby can tell after just three weeks whether it is safe around its caregivers. The so called Synapse Gap, the physical distance between mother and child ideally needs to be filled with physical touch, facial gesture and loving attention.
What occurs when that sense of security is absent?
When a carer is not emotionally present, inconsistent, or feeling overwhelmed, the child’s growing brain adjusts itself to cope and survive. It may develop the ability to hide emotions, become acutely sensitive to the needs of others, or seek affection by accommodating and excelling. These are not shortcomings of character. These are tactics for enduring—neural connections formed by a developing nervous system striving to maintain bonds in a setting that felt threatening.
This is where the concept of codependency comes into play. Cozolino may not explicitly use the term, but his work provides a compelling insight into it. Codependency occurs when we become so absorbed in ensuring the happiness, stability, or emotional well-being of others that we neglect our own needs. Examining the issue through a neurological lens, codependency manifests as an excessive focus on external cues—being overly alert to the needs of others—while lacking in self-awareness: “What am I feeling?” What do I require?
In settings where affection was unpredictable or came with conditions, we discovered that nurturing others was the route to forming bonds. Our minds have been conditioned to find gratification in neglecting our own needs. As time passed, we started linking love to concepts like sacrifice, emotional effort, or dominance. We believed, “If I can ensure your well-being, then perhaps I’ll find my own sense of peace as well.”
These patterns exist beyond our rational thinking—they reside deep within the emotional core of our brain. This is the reason many of us end up reliving difficult relationship patterns, even when we are aware of them. The nervous system responds according to a long-established framework, created during a time when we lacked the words to describe our experiences.
However, there’s a silver lining: our minds have the ability to evolve.
Cozolino highlights the idea of neuroplasticity—our brain’s extraordinary capacity to reshape itself over the course of our lives. Similar to how our initial connections influenced our development, fresh connections have the power to transform us. Recovery unfolds in a steady stream of emotionally secure moments where we are acknowledged, appreciated, and uplifted—not for our actions, but for our very existence. This can also mean the connection we have with ourselves.
One setting where this type of healing can take place is in therapy. A skilled therapist serves as a supportive presence, providing a secure environment where the nervous system can discover that forming connections doesn’t equate to threat or losing oneself. As time progresses, the brain starts to form fresh patterns—new methods of relating that encompass both connection and individuality.
Additionally, we can enhance this healing journey by embracing mindfulness and engaging in self-reflection. Taking a moment to observe our emotional reactions, particularly during times of conflict or fear, allows us to break the cycle of automatic responses. Cozolino refers to this as “bringing the implicit to the forefront.” We illuminate the hidden connections within us, and through this clarity, we gain the power to choose. We have the opportunity to reflect: “Is this pattern still beneficial for me?” “What other options could I consider?”
Recovering from codependency isn’t about shutting off your emotions or becoming overly self-reliant. It signifies achieving a state of mutual reliance—where we can forge profound connections while remaining grounded in our individuality. It signifies embracing love while maintaining our own identity. To affirm when we truly agree, and to decline when it’s necessary. To cease the act of managing the emotions of others and begin valuing our own feelings.
Your history may influence your habits, but it doesn’t have to determine what lies ahead. Through support, presence, and practice, your nervous system can discover that love does not necessitate self-abandonment. Safety can be achieved. You have the right to occupy your own space in your life and in your relationships.
It’s more than just a matter of psychology. That’s the study of the brain and nervous system.
Are you prepared to begin untangling the habits that hold you back?
If this strikes a chord with you, and you’re starting to understand how your relationship patterns were shaped by survival rather than choice, my audio program On-Demand Therapy is here to assist you. This resource aims to assist you in exploring the intricate emotional aspects of codependency, rediscovering your identity, and applying strategies to foster healthier and more secure connections with others.
No matter if you’re new to this journey or have been navigating it for some time, these audio sessions are designed to accommodate your current state—free from pressure or judgement, offering you valuable insights and support whenever you need it.
There’s no need to navigate everything by yourself.
Discover more insights on On-Demand Therapy HERE
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