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Entering 2026: Relationships

Many people will enter 2026 in relationships and not all of these relationships will be what the couple thought and hoped they would be at the start. There will be others who are very happy and hope that the coming year will be a continuation of what has happened to this point. Unfortunately, there will also be many processing the pain of breakups or hoping that this year will be finally the time they meet the elusive “one”. Due to societal, cultural, parental and peer pressure, we are often judged on whether we are in a relationship or not, irrespective of whether it is the “right” relationship . Those who choose to be single or prefer aloneness are often seen as “strange” or “wrong”. Maybe, they just might know something that eludes others, in that it is likely better to be alone than be in a relationship that doesn’t work.

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The Fantasy of “The One”

A few years ago, I watched a documentary about young American couples in their twenties preparing for marriage. Most of the young ladies uttered the phrases “forever love”, “ the one”, “I can’t wait to run the home and have five kids”, while the young men seemed happy to have a “trad” wife, while they concentrated on their career and providing. When the interviewer suggested that if statistics are to be believed, then at least five of the ten couples won’t make it, they were horrified. “ It won’t happen to us”, came the reply.

The Red Flag of Self-Abandonment

However, it can and mostly likely will. We all too easily give up our personal ambition, social circle and sometimes our job to fall in line with what we believe is expected. That for me is a massive red flag if someone is prepared to do this, or I personally also feel like doing it (which I have). It is not sustainable and leads to resentment.

Most of us enter a relationship thinking we have finally found that missing piece that fills that void and it will complete us. It feels like relief. But if you lose yourself when you fall in love, that isn’t romance,  it’s a warning light. The early stage of attraction is chemical and your judgement goes quiet and everything feels perfect. That’s exactly why the power of “I” matters most right then. Keep your routines. Keep your friends. Keep the parts of you that existed before them. A relationship should complement you, not complete you. If you have to shrink to keep the peace, it’s not peace, it’s self-abandonment. As one of my favourite singers said “ be careful of something that it just what you want it to be”.

Chemistry vs Compatibility

We often confuse “chemistry”, which is temporary with compatibility. Compatibility isn’t something you find. It’s something you build over time and through the relationship being tested with imperfection. By default, we’re all incompatible because we’re individuals and the big question isn’t “Do we match?” It’s “Will we do the work?” ( I often say that this question should be first in mind when on a first date). And that work is constant: repairs, honest conversations, and respecting differences without trying to erase them.

When Attraction Turns Into Threat

I see a distinct pattern when doing couples therapy. The trait that first drew someone to another person, often becomes a threat later. As already stated, we often attract what we feel is missing in us. At the start, this is a benefit and we enjoy this new perspective. However, as pressure builds, this benefit brings a cost and we often revert to default methods of control.

For example, the independent partner, who felt so free spirited at the start, needs to be reined in because you feel left out. The confident partner becomes the “rigid” one and the warm, “expressive” partner becomes too much and too needy. The calm, grounded partner becomes the “cold” one when you need constant reassurance. Generally, nothing has changed except we are looking at that trait through unsafe eyes. At the start of the relationship, “safe” is always there, whether it’s safe or not. However, this is our biology speaking.

The Shift Into Protection and Panic

When we see our partner as “threatening”, we very rarely respond with anything that looks like mature wisdom and it’s usually something akin to panic backed up by learnt default protection measures. In Internal Family Systems therapy, founder Richard Schwartz has described in his books what generally happens next. Parts of us step forward to manage the discomfort and restore safety. This, he describes as the “three projects”, where love (or infatuation) stops and fear takes over. I’ve practiced them, you’ve practiced them and it’s likely that anyone you know has done so too.

Project One: Change My Partner

The first project is, change my partner. This is the controlling stage and includes thinking and statements like, “If you’d just….stop working so much, be more affectionate, stop being so sensitive and needy, then we would be fine”. It seems like solving a problem but underneath is a part of us saying “I need you to be more predictable or I can’t settle”. The result is often the opposite. The harder you try to change someone, the more they resist and the relationship feels less safe.

The solution is not to stop having standards for the relationship, it’s to stop trying to change someone who hasn’t consented. More effective is to make requests. Instead of “you never listen”, try “ could we put our phones and other distractions away for ten minutes and talk?”. Instead of  “you are always working”, try, “let’s take two evenings this week that are just about us?” Criticism is vague and punitive, requests are measurable and invite co-operation.

Project Two: Change Myself

The second project is change myself, the appeasement phase (and can be the “victim” phase too). This looks respectable and in tune with what society expects of us. Be flexible, be compliant to the relationship, be the “good one”, the flexible one, the reliable one. Swallow your needs, you overthink and over explain. This is driven by a part who says “If I make things easier, I won’t be left”. It can feel mature, but it is self- erasure in practice. This second project often happens when a couple try again after a break.

The solution to this is emotional honesty backed up by the principles of personal autonomy and individuality. Honest contact rather than performance. State your “honest contact” without drama “ When plans change at the last moment, I feel unsettled and I need more notice”. No accusation, just a healthy disclosure of facts and feelings. In a healthy relationship, this would promote closeness. In an unhealthy one, it will be weaponized and used against you. That should tell you everything you need to know.

Ask yourself before you appease or say yes to something, “Am I doing this because I want to or am I afraid? If it’s fear, give yourself some time to agree. This interrupts people-pleasing and allows the adult self to come through.

Project Three: Give Up and Numb Myself

The third project is give up and numb yourself. When the first two inevitably haven’t worked, we pull away and escape. We go quiet and numb, distract ourselves, retreat into work, screens, hobbies, fantasy, affairs and quiet resentment. We stay in the relationship but have emotionally left. This is driven by a part that says “ I can’t bear wanting something I will never get”. This is where most people come into therapy, claiming they have tried, when in effect, they have only been trying the first two projects.

We are often tempted at this stage to make grand gestures and attempt to recreate projects one and two. (You can see how the cycle goes around). The solution is repair, in small  consistent doses. If one or both of the partners have withdrawn, a low-risk entry into repair would be “ I have been a bit distant and I don’t want that. Can we sit and drink tea and talk for ten minutes?”. Keep it short and consistent, keeping kind and genuine. Most couples don’t need a two hour heavy discussion, just repeated moments of reconnection that build trust over time, plus honest and genuine discussion.

Don’t Give Up Hope (With Clear Exceptions)

If you or your partner see yourselves in any of this, don’t give up hope. Unless there is abuse in all its forms or constant betrayal in the relationship, there aren’t many relationships that can’t be improved.

The skill is to recognize and become aware of which projects you are in and whether your actions are for the project or the relationship.  Are you trying to change them, change yourself or numb yourself? Keep in mind what supports the relationship: healthy requests, genuine discussion without attack and defense, announcing a healthy time out to deescalate, a ten minute repair conversation.

These solutions are not as exciting as the grand gestures that are often made but guarantee relationship success in the long term and they work. Because intimacy and relationship success aren’t built by forcing, performing, or withdrawing. They are built by two adults learning to stay present, honest, and steady, even when their frightened parts would rather do anything else. If you can’t or don’t want to do this, you have to ask if this is the right relationship for you.