A few weeks ago, I wrote about how difficult some men find it to engage in couples therapy, even if it is a request from an unhappy, frustrated partner. The possibility that emotions or feelings might have to be faced and men might be forced to look at their conditioning, usually have them running for the hills. Not all men but a vast majority, in my experience. Yet, for women it is very different.
So why is it that women appear to be the ones often driving couples therapy and are very often left disappointed by their partners’ reluctance? The answer lies in a mix of cultural conditioning, emotional expectations and the different ways men and women are socialized to approach relationships. It is really Venus and Mars.
From very early on in their lives, women are taught to focus on and prioritise emotional connection and relational harmony. They are encouraged by society and parents to be in touch with their feelings, their own and others, and to take responsibility for emotional bonds. So, it’s rather natural to believe that in adulthood, when their relationship starts to become a problem, they will perceive it earlier than their male partner and strive to seek help. Going into therapy is a natural extension of their to preserve and improve their connection to their partner.
Another factor is the role that women often take on in relationships as the emotional manager. They keep tabs on how everyone is feeling, initiating conversations around issues and doing the background work to maintain closeness (too much, if they are codependent). Often that work starts to become overwhelming or taken for granted and therapy offers a structured, safe place to have those concerns voiced with a neutral party present. In my experience, these voiced concerns are often a shock to men when they hear them, mainly due to the fact that in their world, everything is as it should be.
Women are also more likely to seek out therapy on their own. Many often continue in individual therapy long after their male partner has dropped out of couples therapy. Women are more familiar with therapeutic processes and much more comfortable with being vulnerable. Being in therapy does not feel like weakness for women. They seek wisdom and clarity and are willing to do the work. The vast majority know that change very rarely comes from avoidance. There is sometimes also a sense of urgency. If a woman feels unhappy in the relationship, she will often seek therapy as a way to smoothly transition out of the relationship, if things don’t improve. Suggesting therapy is a sign for her that the relationship could be saved. While men often see therapy as a criticism for the way they do things, women will see it as a willingness to try, often for the last time.
Not surprisingly, the different ways that men and women communicate plays a significant role. Women tend to be more emotional fluent and emotionally intelligent in the way they express themselves. Therapy can feel like emotional heavy lifting for many men. For women, it is familiar ground. They are used to exploring feelings and, especially, relational dynamics.
Admitted, the above are general, not universal truths. Many men value therapy and the chance to be heard and learn and face it with honesty and curiosity. If they stick with it, the idea of therapy often grows on them. For women, therapy is a natural extension of what they mostly do. That is to process emotions and build and maintain connection. They have been conditioned, socially, practically and emotionally, to recognise issues early and act proactively. Often men take a little longer to come to the table.
