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When you add other obvious differences, you may think that no-one could ever successfully pair with anyone else. These factors could be age differences, different cultures and nationalities, different religions and that’s before you get into other issues like different viewpoints, lifestyles, priorities, life plans and general experiences. This is often borne out in couples therapy when the differences can be easily seen. Living together is generally not easy and many couples tend to disagree on things that lead to much more intense conflict later on. These things might seem small by some standards. Cleaning, shopping, tidying up, walking the dog, general organising of household activities can all cause major problems depending on the differences that exist and the attitude applied. 

There is an old saying in couples therapy that the very thing that attracted you to a person in the first place is the thing that’s becomes threatening later on and partners will often try to change that element of someone. For example, someone who is not very adventurous might be attracted to someone who is more so. Later, this adventurous side becomes a threat and an attempt is made to change that part of someone to be more inline. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, says that we often go through the Three Projects when this is the case. Firstly, we try to change the parts of our partner that threaten us through control and sometimes ultimatum and manipulation. When that doesn’t work, we suppress the parts of us that want this change and then ultimately, we look outside the relationship for satisfaction. This could be through work or another person.

How Do You Love Someone So Different To You?

When you love someone who’s really different from you, it takes a lot of patience, curiosity, and a desire to grow together. Some key approaches: 

1. Welcome Differences Rather Than Pushing Against Them: Instead of looking at differences as hurdles, think of them as chances to learn and broaden your viewpoint. Their one-of-a-kind experiences and perspectives can really add something special to your life.
2. Focus on what really matters: What really counts are the values we share, like respect, honesty, and kindness, rather than just the surface-level stuff like hobbies, tastes, or personality types. When your core values match up, you can create a solid base. 
3. Keep the Lines of Communication Open and Frequent: It’s pretty common for misunderstandings to pop up when two people see life from different angles. Make sure to really listen and share your thoughts, but don’t just assume the other person sees things the same way you do.
4. Discover Shared Interests: No matter how different you might feel, there are always common interests, goals, or experiences that can bring you together.
5. Recognise What They’re Good At: Rather than feeling annoyed by your differences, see how they actually work together to enhance you. If they’re a bit more spontaneous and you’re more structured, you could really balance each other out and help each other grow. 
6. Embrace the fact that feeling uncomfortable is just a part of growing: Being with someone who’s really different can be tough at times, but love isn’t just about feeling completely at ease—it’s about growing together. 
7. Embrace Their Uniqueness: Love is all about accepting someone for who they are (as well as yourself), not trying to change them to fit your mould. It’s about finding that sweet spot where you can both be together.

What Are The Three Circles?

If you are with someone who is completely different to you in some of the ways mentioned above, it is still possible to have a relationship. Yet, it is very important to realise that you need to make sure you are not losing yourself in the process and giving up too much of yourself in order to adapt to the differences. The Three Circles does this. 

The amount of advice on what makes a good relationship is overwhelming. Almost everyone you ask will have a different perspective based on their personal experiences and relationships. We develop a unique dynamic with each individual we choose to try with, yet some elements remain consistent and transfer from one relationship to the next. This includes our limitless power to absorb ourselves and effectively lose our identity for the ‘one’.

We’re not even talking about codependency, which, as we all know, creates a difficult scenario on its own. Codependents will automatically put their own needs aside and adapt to what they believe their partner desires. This attempt at control for their own security frequently leads to relationships with emotionally and physically distant, abusive, and manipulative people with their own agendas. Codependents view this as a challenge, incorrectly believing that if they can ‘fix’ this person, they will be okay. It never works.

Most of us become fascinated with a new partner during the hormone-driven early phases of a relationship. This is a normal attraction process in which inhibitions are released and our brain chemicals shift. We’ve all had that feeling where our world seems a lot better than it was before we met this new individual. However, as we all know, the honeymoon eventually comes to an end, and we are left to deal with the real person. This does not have to be negative, but it will be different and require work if the relationship is to continue forward. This is the contemplation phase, in which we determine whether to stay (and what we must do to make that happen) or leave.

This is a challenging period for a new relationship, and the answer is not as straightforward as we may want to believe. The classic honeymoon phase is quite addictive, and both people usually enjoy it and grieve its conclusion. We are abruptly greeted with monotony, no surprises, as the ‘real’ person emerges. How can you keep a relationship going under these circumstances? It requires hard work and continuous discussion about how to proceed (if at all). Some will strive to reproduce the honeymoon phase with others in order to retain this euphoric feeling. Most will proceed to the next phase and easily adapt to new conditions, albeit unprepared.

In my opinion, one of the most important aspects of any good relationship is not just what we do while we are with our spouse, but also what we do while we are not. Society and tradition dictate that we must offer everything to our partner, but this is not sustainable. We need to keep something for ourselves. I like to look at it this way. Visualise your partnership as three circles. One for you, where you spend quality time with yourself or friends seeking your individuality; one for your spouse, who does the same; and a third circle for the partnership, where you spend quality time together.

Sounds perfect, and while individuality is important in a partnership, many of us sacrifice it in order to join the other’s group. I’ve encountered people who enter a relationship and abandon all they value about themselves in order to conform to their new partner’s behaviour. The one question you should ask on your first date is what you do for yourself and how you work on yourself.

Getting to know yourself might be challenging when we are taught and conditioned to believe that our sacrifices and denials would result in rewards in a relationship. It is a process that we must follow, and it frequently entails learning how we think and react, altering habits and behaviour, and establishing ideals for our lives. To begin this process, a fair inquiry may be, ‘What have I been denying myself’. Of course, this question can be addressed in a variety of ways, but hopefully it will spark a conversation with yourself about what you have been giving up in trying to satisfy or control. It is vital to note that this individual concentration is healthy and not indicative of narcissism or selfishness. Stephen Covey frequently stated that an ideal relationship is produced by two balanced persons who make a specific place for their partnership while maintaining their personal aims and desires. I completely agree with this. Do this and any differences can be worked on.