I have a plan for the Christmas holidays which involves nothing about Christmas at all. As someone who spends it alone, I have my own rituals and projects for the holidays that get away from the commercialism, expectations, obligations and pressure to conform to social expectations. It is the New Year I am already looking towards but not in the way you might expect. I don’t set resolutions. I use the time during the holidays as a period of reflection on what I want to do more of and not less. As someone who doesn’t smoke, drink, eats healthily and hikes regularly, I don’t have the guilt of vice often associated with New Year’s resolutions, so my reflection is on doing more of the same and consolidating it.
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For a lot of people, there is an aftermath to the indulgence and expectations associated with Christmas. The body carries the weight of overeating and drinking and the mind the weight of what many feel they have to do, including navigating dysfunctional family and romantic relationships. This can be tiring and there is an inevitable emotional dip afterwards. The quiet after the holidays can feel even sharper if difficulty has been experienced.
Into that, enters the familiar insistence that the New Year must bring change with it. You read it everywhere. They are resolutions but we all know how they work in practice. They are framed as reductions. Lose weight, Smoke less, drink less, scroll less, eat less, be less tired, less anxious, less reactive. In the background to this thinking sits a harsh judging voice implying that the self is something to manage, correct and restrain.
It’s not that these suggestions are not sensible and some might well turn out to be life saving. The issue is the emotional tone that sits behind them. A resolution built on shaming yourself may create a sense of panic which in turn creates a burst of determination, but it very rarely lasts. Shame pushes but it doesn’t nourish and tightens the psyche rather than strengthening it.
There is a very meaningful difference between building a life and managing one. When we make lists of things we must stop doing, we often place ourselves in a psychological relationship with ourselves akin to a strict parent dealing with a disappointing child. The inner world becomes corrective, sharp and observes behavior. Under these circumstances, we often don’t recognize when we do well. This is why many of us reach January with a mix of hope and dread. Hope because we feel a new world is beginning for us and dread because the change is seen as deprivation. The issue is not the desire to be healthy and more stable but that this must be achieved through self-denial.
There is another way to approach this and it begins with a shift in language as many issues do. Instead of asking what you “should” do less of, try asking what you would like to do more of. Not as a slogan or affirmation but as an emotional foundation. Doing less starts with fear and shame, doing more starts with care.
If you want to smoke less, the deeper desire might be to be able to breathe more freely, have more energy, or to live long enough to enjoy life more. If you want to lose weight, it might be more about being able to move more comfortably, to sleep better, or treat the body with more respect. If you want to drink less, change the language to a desire to be more clear-headed, to be more emotionally available and to have a more genuine life. When you convert a reduction into something more positive, we shift the workings of the nervous system. We move away from punishment towards nourishment. It becomes less about about refusing the self and more about choosing it.
This matters even more in the troubling world we live in. When the outside world feels chaotic, it is very easy to become distracted by it. Many people are living in a constant state of vigilance, scanning and scrolling for threats and reading too much news from media that is often biased politically. This holds the nervous system in a sense of tension and the body takes it in. The mind takes it in. Especially if relationships just aren’t working for you amongst all the talk of forgiveness and togetherness.
In this state, resolutions will simply become an attempt to control something, actually anything. They might become a way of proving to yourself that you can control at least one part of your life. It will soon become clear that lasting change doesn’t come from panic but from internal alignment.
The sustainable change we are talking about here comes from the inside, not fear from the outside. That doesn’t mean we don’t consider reality or pretend all is fine. It simply means we stop basing our inner world on outer turmoil. The most reliable foundation for change is not anxiety about the future but a steady and meaningful relationship with yourself in the present.
In therapy, I often see behaviours people want to reduce as more about coping strategies than change. They soothe (as many self-help providers will encourage). They distract, they numb, they control. They offer temporary comfort in a body and mind that feels overwhelmed. If we treat behaviour as the enemy, we are missing the point. Behaviour is usually just a symptom and holds a message about areas needed for change.
So, this year, don’t march into 2026 with a list of rules. Start with curiosity. What is my behaviour doing for me? What need is it meeting? What is it helping me to avoid? (Crucial!), What does it help me numb when I feel tense, lonely, bored or afraid. When you understand the idea of behaviour as a symptom, you can begin to build alternatives that meet that need in a healthier manner. If smoking provides a moment of pause, perhaps what you need is more deliberate pauses without the self harm. If overeating provides comfort, perhaps you need comfort without the punishment that comes afterwards. If scrolling provides escape escape from anxiety, you might need to find a gentler way of soothing the nervous system and also a a life that looks less empty when you look up from the screen.
This is where doing more becomes deeply practical and bridges the gap between awareness and action. More rest, more routine, more movement you can sustain rather than endure, more nourishing food rather than restrictive rules, more connection with people who feel safe rather than making excuses about staying in situations that don’t serve you, more time outside, more time without noise, more creativity, more moments that bring you back to yourself. This is the area that most have trouble with. Taking these points seriously.
It’s easy to dismiss these point as simplistic and convince yourself that you are already doing most of them but they are a fundamental basis for psychological change. You don’t change a bad habit by shouting at yourself. You need to build a life where the habit is not a prime means of support.
The New Year then can be approached as a quiet invitation backed up by curiosity rather than a set of demands. After the typical indulgence of the holidays, it is not a case of punishing the body and mind for enjoying themselves. Perhaps we need to listen to them, as both have a voice. As do the parts of you that have struggled to protect you through difficult times.
If you really want this year to be different, take charge and leadership. Consider making one pledge that doesn’t involve deprivation or punishment. Choose one that signals self-respect. Choose one thing you will do more of. A daily walk, a regular bedtime, more journalling or reading. Even it is small, it will make a difference. Take a pause in the morning before looking at your phone, or a reduction in news consumption and mindless scrolling that can be replaced with something more grounding. Plan a conversation with someone who grounds you or plan a return to what does that for you. Reading, gardening, creativity, music or simply sitting in silence with a cup of tea.
The world and its troubles will still be there and are not within your control to influence. However, your inner life does not have to be affected by the noise it creates. The biggest act of self care and the best present you can gift yourself is to become anchored from within. Not through rigid rules but through steady care. When you build from the inside, you are not trying to become a better person, you are already enough. You are becoming more of yourself and that is the only change that tends to last.
