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A delicate sense of self-worth, fiercely protected from perceived slights and setbacks, is at the core of vulnerable narcissism. These are people can’t stop thinking about how inadequate they are; they are always comparing themselves to other people and secretly wishing they were someone else. They cover up their narcissism with layers of insecurity and neediness, rather than wearing it as a badge of false confidence, like their more overt peers. Because of their unstable self-view, which fluctuates between feelings of superiority and shame, their behaviour is erratic and perplexing to those around them.

“Lovebombing” or an emotionally intense early phase is common in relationships with vulnerable narcissists. Giving the impression of emotional openness and depth, they may share their traumas and struggles early on as a way to attract sympathy. The impression of a rare and meaningful bond can be formed when this vulnerability is taken as an invitation to connect on a deeper level. This can be a powerful hook for someone with a rescuer mentality or a great deal of empathy. Feelings of wanting to comfort them or be the one to love them unconditionally may initially wash over potential partners.

But patterns emerge with time, and they begin to chip away slowly at that first bond. A vulnerable narcissist may develop an unhealthy reliance on a partner for emotional support and validation. Yet, every move could be misunderstood, or partners could feel like they have to be extra careful not to hurt the VN’s feelings of rejection or abandonment. When their constantly shifting emotional needs aren’t met, they might go from a state of extreme idealization—saying that no one else understands them—to a state of abrupt devaluation—with accusations of being selfish, insensitive, or even abandoning them. This is often followed by constant threats of separation.

The emotional toll of this back-and-forth dynamic is hard for anyone involved with a VN. When a vulnerable narcissist’s partner tries to set boundaries, the narcissist accuses them of being cruel or abandoning, and when they give in to the narcissist’s demands, they feel like they lose themselves. When an attempt is made to address their needs or complaints, vulnerable narcissists will expertly shift the focus back to their own pain. Crying, withdrawing, or becoming glum and passive-aggressive are all possibilities. As time goes on, partners might start to doubt their own perceptions, worry that they are the issue, and feel bad about wanting space or independence.

In relationships with VNs, emotional manipulation, rather than overt control, is one of the most sinister aspects of this fragile union.. Instead of screaming or demanding, they might act like a victim until they get their own way. Because of their heavy use of emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping, their partners have a hard time making independent decisions without feeling guilty. In an effort to maintain emotional regulation or avoid conflict, people involved with them may discover that they gradually reduce the scope of their lives. Managing their emotions takes up all of their energy, leaving little room for their own emotional needs.

Due to their lack of self-awareness, vulnerable narcissists can make this dynamic even more perplexing. They fail to see the impact of their actions on those around them because they insist on playing the victim in every situation. Their reality is distorted because they are ensnared in a defensive emotional posture, rather than being calculated like more obvious narcissists. Because of this, dealing with issues head-on becomes very challenging. Instead of leading to constructive change, attempts at having open discussions about the relationship frequently result in defensiveness, crying, or the silent treatment.

So, how exactly does one find themselves in a relationship like this? Frequently, it’s not due to lack of strength or naivety , but rather to personal trauma that renders potential partners susceptible to this type of interaction. Those who have learnt to value themselves by giving to others or who dealt with emotionally unstable parents as children are at a higher risk, basically, codependents. These early relationships being considered, can make the emotionally intense connection provided by a vulnerable narcissist evoke a sense of purpose and intensity that is compelling, if not addictive.

Some may see the vulnerable narcissist as the antithesis of the abusive or controlling partner they often imagine. The vulnerability of their emotions can be mistaken for openness, and the reliance on them for support and for love. At times, a feeling emerges that feels unique and makes a partner feel indispensable. However, as time goes on, the strain becomes obvious, and ans an understand that your role is more of a carer for their emotions or a barrier against their inner turmoil than it is of a partner.

The most important thing to do if one finds themselves in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist is to see the patterns in a non-judgmental manner and without self-blame. Challenge the idea that things would get better if, as a partner, you were merely more sympathetic, patient, or loving. True emotional intimacy is something that vulnerable narcissists desire, but they frequently avoid. Despite their claims of wanting intimacy, they actively work to prevent it from developing because they are terrified of being hurt or exposed. Realising their unresolved issues, not focussing solely your shortcomings, is crucial in breaking the cycle.

Although it’s crucial, setting boundaries can be a difficult process in these relationships. Narcissists who are emotionally fragile often react to boundaries with accusations, passive-aggressive actions, or emotional distress. Setting boundaries, however, is not about reprimanding them, but rather about safeguarding your own emotional and psychological well-being. When the relationship gets toxic, it’s important to limit the emotional labour you do for them, insist on respectful communication, and give yourself space. It also entails being able to sit through the pain of their reaction without the desire to fix them.

It can be challenging to motivate a narcissist to participate in therapy on a deep level, but therapy can be a lifesaver for everyone involved, including the narcissist and their partners. While many would say, quite rightly, that narcissists will never be able to change, some do. However, they will often try to utilise therapy as a means to support their victim narrative or to influence the therapist to take their side. Still, with the help of a trained therapist and an honest commitment to change, some people are able to gain insight into the ways in which their patterns cause harm to everyone around them. As for the partner, therapy can assist in releasing the emotional knots, restoring self-confidence, and delving into the origins of their attachment to this type of relationship dynamic and if needed, to leave the relationship.

As a result of the narcissist’s subtle undermining of other relationships or the sheer exhaustion from trying to keep them going, being in this type of relationship can lead to feelings of isolation. For much-needed perspective and stability, reaching out to reliable friends, family, or support groups is a great idea. Another way to break the spell of shame and secrecy in these relationships is to talk openly about what you’re going through.

If the narcissistic partner isn’t ready to accept responsibility for their actions and make genuine changes, the relationship will end sooner rather than later and must. Although vulnerable narcissists can have profound feelings and insightful thoughts, getting past their barriers can be a daunting and time-consuming task. The relationship will never be healthy or last if they won’t admit they’ve had an effect or if they keep playing the victim card.

Partners may still feel tremendously responsible for the welfare of the vulnerable narcissist, which adds to the emotional dependence that makes leaving them so difficult. It takes time for the desire to shield, fix, enable or save them to fade. Anger, sadness, or even betrayal could be prime emotions that come up. It is self-preservation to put one’s own mental and emotional well-being first. Breaking free from this type of relationship requires reclaiming your identity, re-establishing trust in your instincts, and creating a life that isn’t defined by coping with the suffering of another. Individuality.

Reality is continually being questioned, needs are ignored, and much energy is spent trying to maintain peace when in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. It’s like living in a fog. However, being conscious brings clarity. The potential for transformation arises from this realisation. It is not being selfish to desire a relationship based on trust, emotional safety, and real intimacy, regardless of whether you decide to remain and establish clear boundaries (not advised) or go in search of peace elsewhere.