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I‘ve reached an age where I have a great future behind me! To be honest, I think about death every day. My own inevitable demise and death in general. Before you think that I feel morose or depressed, I am actually exactly the opposite. The idea of death has helped me with life in general.

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I was like everyone else. I feared death with all the usual angst that goes with it. When and how will it happen? Who will be there? Will I be alone? Will it be prolonged or painful? These thoughts often brought on panic and a frantic feeling that I had to counter some of the probabilities, in vain of course. Especially the idea that I might be alone, drove my codependent thoughts and fuelled the idea that I must be in a relationship. I remember feeling anxiety as the seasons changed and innocent events like swallows disappearing, after a long summer of watching them, as they migrate. I suffered from SAD, in the dark days of winter, and mourned the turning of each year as another one gone.

This is called death anxiety, as described by Irving Yalom in his great book, Staring at the Sun. He describes death anxiety as a fundamental human fear that influences behavior and emotional well-being. He argues that the awareness of mortality can lead to existential distress, but confronting it can also promote personal growth, authenticity, and a deeper appreciation of life. We all fear the unknown and death is the greatest unknown of all.

My life changed in 2010, when I personally faced death. I had an old barn on a property I owned and eager to renovate the roof, I embarked on a project to do so with a friend. We both unfortunately fell through said roof, him onto a wooden storage place that was just below the roof, me at least four metres onto a concrete floor. Heading downwards, headfirst, my head caught a spike in a wall (giving me subsequently stitches in my head) which turned me and I hit the floor landing on my elbow, with the weight of my body exacerbating the impact. The right side of my body shattered and I nearly lost my arm. I still have the metal in place from wrist to shoulder.

I thought I was going to die as I headed downwards and to my great surprise, in the shock of it all, I was still alive. After many operations, physio and a bout of PTSD, which left me terrified of potential accidents and panic attacks when driving, I continued my life. It became clear after a while that my attitude to life was much different. For a while, I was much more cavalier, took more risks and in a way, appeared rather irresponsible and uncaring of consequences. I felt indestructible and had the attitude that if I could survive that, nothing could kill me. I believe this was part of the process of recovery and that feeling soon waned but I did notice a change in how I looked at death in general which has stayed with me until this day.

Going back to Irving Yalom. His concept of death awareness is central to his existential psychotherapy, where he explores how the inevitability of death affects human existence. Yalom posits that most people live in denial of death, which leads to various forms of anxiety, fear, and avoidance. This denial can manifest in distractions such as overworking, obsessive relationships, or material pursuits, all to escape the uncomfortable truth of mortality.

However, Yalom also argues that fully embracing death awareness can lead to profound personal transformation. By confronting and accepting the reality of death, individuals are freed from these defensive mechanisms and can live more authentically. This shift encourages people to focus on what truly matters—such as meaningful relationships, creative expression, and fulfilling experiences—rather than trivial concerns. In Yalom’s view, death awareness, while initially unsettling, ultimately deepens one’s sense of purpose and connection to life.

He further suggests that the more we confront our mortality, the more we can liberate ourselves from existential fears. This can enhance our ability to live in the present, make conscious life choices, and find meaning despite life’s transience. Rather than being paralyzed by death anxiety, we can use death awareness as a motivating force to enrich our lives.

That day, May 20th, 2010 was the day my life changed and death awareness entered my thinking. I would like to say that you don‘t need to fall through a roof to bring it into your life. Just self awareness and trying to stay as present as possible will also work. I no longer fear death but I love life. This is the consequence of my accident. Best of all, I have become very comfortable with aloneness as part of my personal autonomy, while still enjoying a relationship. While the road to this has not been easy (I am still dealing with some of the physical sides of the accident such as constant pain that needs to be managed), it has been a fruitful journey. As all of us, I know I will die one day and I do not know when that day will be or the circumstances but until that times comes, I will make the most of the time I have left to live, love and explore.