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There is an old saying that goes “something becomes more attractive if it is unavailable”. This is often the foundation for codependent thinking as they try to connect with their narcissist partner and mirrors the dysfunctional relationship had with caregivers. This need for connection means that they will sacrifice everything about themselves to gain it and especially from their “object” of desire. This leaves the door open to abuse and manipulation from somebody who is very willing to take advantage. When it all ends, breaking that bond and teaching a codependent to look elsewhere for their needs to be met (Self), is a difficult task. The concept of romanticising the relationship, however bad, drives the process along with self-blame and fear of something new. I always remind them to balance this dysfunctional thinking with facts about how they were really treated and abused but resistance is often extremely high. It is normally when in the lowest point, that they will first contemplate change. This can be compared with addiction recovery in general.

Whatever situation they find themselves in, breaking the emotional bond that ties a codependent to their abuser is essential. To the extreme, this bond can exhibit elements of Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD, where the victim finds comfort from being with their abuser and convinces themselves they are in an isolated “bubble”. Until this is done, the effects of narcissist abuse will endure longer than the narcissist.

So, you have done the hard part. The narcissist is thankfully gone. It matters little whether discard happened or the courage was finally found to get rid of them, the important thing is that they are gone. So what next? How do you move on from being emotionally, physical and probably financially drained and abused?

It is generally a very difficult phase to cope with after the narcissist is gone. Coping with the aftermath of the tornado that blew through your life can be traumatic and exhausting. Many irrational thoughts will come up..”What could I have done?”, “If I had acted differently”, “What was it about me that made him change?”, “I want him back, I can’t live without him!”. All of these thoughts are the natural consequence of being involved with someone who hooked you in to an illusion and fantasy of being “the best thing ever”. A line from an old song comes up…” Be careful of something that is just what you want it to be!”

The first issue to deal with is making sure they never come back or have the opportunity to do so. This means applying and maintaining strict no contact. Many people and especially codependents, cope well until the narcissist contacts them for more “supply”. Many will also leave a little door open for the narcissist to come through (blocking everything except e-mail, for example, checking social media and finding excuses for contact). Once this is maintained (and let’s not forget it is best for anyone to block a narcissist), work on the emotional effects can be done. 

In the beginning, recovery can feel like wandering through a dense fog. Confusion, doubt, the endless replaying of old conversations and your mind searching for answers. You wonder if it was really that bad, if perhaps you imagined it. This is cognitive dissonance, and it lingers even when the abuse has ended. Yet beneath all of that, there has always been a voice that has said, this isn’t right. Listening to that voice is the start. Allowing grief, tears, even anger isn’t weakness. It is the work.

As you continue, you’ll find the hardest part isn’t letting go of the person—it’s letting go of the fantasy. The belief that if you had just loved them more, tried more, they might have changed. That’s you falling into the trap: : idealization, devaluation, and discard. You were chasing a dream, not reality. What you are missing isn’t them—it’s the feeling of being chosen. From now on, you have to start choosing yourself.

Then comes the work of remembering who you are. Survivors often say, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” And that’s true, but identity isn’t lost, it’s waiting to be rediscovered. Ask yourself what once made you feel alive, what mattered before you learned to silence yourself. Who were you before the abuse and conditioning? A critical question.

Recovery is not only about the mind, it is also about the body. Your nervous system has been living in survival mode, bracing for impact even though the danger has passed. Healing means teaching your body safety again. Breathing, walking, anything that brings you joy and comfort. Every time you do this, you are sending a message to your body that it is safe.

From then on, self-trust will slowly return. Abuse teaches you, primarily, to doubt yourself, to ignore your instincts and feelings. Yet, your inner wisdom is still there. It hasn’t been destroyed. Your body and mind will sometimes resist but it’s important to sit in those feelings and reassure yourself that you are dealing with trauma, not of your making. This process is about believing yourself again and trusting yourself.

And then, an interesting process can happen. It’s called loving forward. It doesn’t mean rushing into the first relationship that comes along, as many codependents do. This is about redefining love and what it means to you. Asking questions like “what does trust and safety look like?” “ what do I truly want and need from a partner?” ( If you don’t know, then that work needs to be done outside of a relationship). “What are my dealbreakers?” Healthy relationships consist of trust, honesty, respect and a desire to work on the relationship and as individuals. There is none of the control and anxiety attached to unhealthy relationships.