Let’s face it, therapy is hard work. Undertaking the process means facing things that have been sometimes locked away for years. Once you open that door, you are never sure who or what will come through it. One thing is for sure, therapy is not some Harry Potter type magic that can wipe away issues quickly. It is generally for the medium term and things might well get worse before they get better. When this happens, there is a quite typical reaction from clients. They wonder if therapy is working, if it is the right time, whether dragging up the issues is really necessary. Some leave therapy at this point, just when the process of change is starting and just when they need it the most, citing that they feel better. Some cite financial or timing reasons, some say they just cannot do it and others are afraid of what lies before them on the “other side”. In my experience, this crucial time comes around the fourth or fifth session when questions start to come my way about how long this process is going to take, why after five sessions am I feeling so bad?
Join me on November 9th, 2025 for a brand new round of group therapy dedicated to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. This 4-session workshop is for you if you are stuck in a relationship with a narcissist or your narcissist has gone and you are still struggling with the aftermath. My goal is to support emotional healing, identity restoration, and the development of healthy relational tools in a group setting, with others going through the same thing. Each session is 90 minutes and includes psychoeducation, reflection, somatic practice, and take-home exercises.
I try to reassure clients that this could mean that therapy is starting to take effect, that some realisations have been found and some change has come to light. This generally settles the client’s mind somewhat but there is another very important factor to keep in mind…the spouse or partner, who might be bringing pressure to bear.
Over the years, I have come to realise that spouses and partners are a vital part of the therapeutic process. They generally exhibit quite typical attitudes to their loved one facing their demons. There are those who remain distant with the thought that therapy is “your thing” and don’t disturb me with it. There are those who are too involved who want to know everything that has been said in the session, no doubt with the belief that things are being said about them. Some have a “poor me” reaction…why are you getting all the help, I also have issues! In contrast, there are also many supportive spouses who want to see their partner lead a happy life but when impatience accompanies this, it can bring intolerable pressure on the client who in turn becomes impatient with therapy.
I have found that involving the spouse or partner early in the process can help (when appropriate, wanted and only with the permission from the client). Understanding often leads to acceptance. It is amazing how different the partner can be when they feel informed and somehow part of the process. Even though confidentially is kept, some general information about the method being used, some tips on how to handle difficult situations and the assurance that I can be contacted for clarification usually makes the world of difference. As therapists, we have to use all of the resources available to help clients and often the biggest resource of all goes untapped.
Incorporating a partner or spouse in the therapeutic process can bring several benefits, enhancing the overall therapy experience. It provides the therapist with a deeper and more nuanced understanding of the client’s interpersonal dynamics and the social contexts influencing their behavior and mental health. This broader perspective is often vital for a comprehensive treatment. The presence of a partner can also be instrumental in fostering better communication skills within the relationship. Through guided discussions and exercises, couples learn to express themselves more effectively and listen to each other with greater empathy, a skill that benefits not just their relationship but their interactions with others as well.
Additionally, involving a partner in therapy can create a strong support system. The emotional and practical backing from a partner during difficult times can be a crucial element in the healing process. It also allows for collaborative problem-solving. When both partners are involved, they can work together to tackle issues, leading to solutions that are acceptable and beneficial to both. This cooperative approach often results in improved relationship satisfaction, helping couples to rebuild trust and strengthen their emotional connection.
However, this approach is not without its challenges. Privacy concerns are significant. The client might withhold vital information or feelings if they are uncomfortable discussing certain topics in front of their partner. This restraint can hinder progress in therapy. Additionally, sessions can sometimes become counterproductive if they turn into opportunities for partners to blame each other, leading to further conflict instead of resolution. The imbalance in participation is another challenge, where one partner may be more dominant or another may be reluctant to engage fully in the process. This disparity can skew the therapy’s focus and effectiveness.
There’s also the risk that focusing on the couple’s dynamics can escalate existing conflicts or unearth new areas of tension. While this can be part of the therapeutic process, it requires careful handling to ensure that it leads to resolution rather than exacerbation of problems. And importantly, the dependency on a partner’s presence in therapy sessions might limit the individual’s personal growth and independence. It can create a scenario where the individual’s progress is heavily tied to their partner’s participation, which might not always be beneficial in the long term.
The decision to include a partner in therapy should be made with careful consideration of these factors. The therapist must weigh the benefits of gaining a fuller understanding of the client’s relational context against the potential for increased conflict, privacy concerns, and dependency issues. It’s crucial to adapt the approach based on the unique circumstances and needs of each couple, aiming to maximize the positive outcomes of therapy while minimizing any adverse effects.
