The Anatomy Of A Shamed Codependent: Day 5 And Final Entry

Day 5 Analysis: By the time we had reached this point, William was very upset. We needed to take various breaks in order for him to find composure and avoid the memories that were flooding back. He was only comfortable portraying his story up to his early twenties. After that, he said, he had no more excuses and he needed to deal with it himself. A process that he himself admitted had continued to this day through various relationships, situations and jobs. Had he really come to terms with his childhood? I saw plenty of understanding and awareness but little action taken to really deal with the shame inside him. He felt very protective towards his mother especially and the burning hatred he felt for his father had colored the way he saw himself as a man. He was horribly codependent on his wife of ten years and used various escape methods to cope including alcohol, shutting down and avoiding conflict. His wife dominated him, which he enabled fully and without boundaries. Has he committed to change this? He says so but he also said that he feared what change might look like and the work that goes with it. To me, he seemed broken but full of hope that he could finally get through this. Was it a good idea to write his story? He thought so and he said it helped him access some subdued memories. I have since put him in touch with a therapist who I feel may be able to help him. Our friendship will continue and I have empathy for William who was brave enough to face his shame for the first time in his life. We parted company and promised to keep in touch. 

In the next post about William, we will look at methods that may help someone in that situation.

William’s story unfolds in Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 and Day 4

My relationship with the man who owned the farm I lived on, was very important for me. Having three daughters, I felt he treated me as a son and spent time teaching me important things about life. He showed me practical things and later when I wanted to buy my first house, he helped me navigate the paperwork and the general process. I wanted him to be my father and in comparison, my father was a joke who taught me nothing. At this point, I was living a dream built on sand. I was in a codependent relationship with a mentally ill woman but felt obligated to the family I left behind. (In effect, they were only ten miles away). As I was earning money while studying they, of course, wanted some of it and I was often called to see if I would lend some here and there for this and that. I never said no but felt terrible afterwards because I really wanted to. Why did I want to? Punishment, revenge? Who knows but I never did it. My girlfriend (later my wife in an impulsive, codependent decision-making process) was always angry when I told her, so I stopped telling her and even lied about it many times…

 

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