There has always been tremendous pressure on relationships to conform to what they “should” be. This pressure comes from self, parents, society, peers and governments trying to shape society. This often says that we should find the “one” and live the rest of our lives with them, have our 2.5 kids and the dog, live in suburbia and quietly and boringly retire at the end of it all. During this journey, men are expected to be providers to the little wife and homemaker waiting patiently at home. She is expected to give up hope of career and independence. All very 1950s!
And yet, the reality is somewhat different. Divorce rates are always high and new trends tell us that people are living in relationships in different ways. For example, Time magazine published an article documenting the rise in LATs (Living Apart Together) marriages. Couples do this for a variety of reasons but one of the main factors cited was it was better for their relationship. Living together is not easy. It takes a lot of compromise that some find difficult. It has always been my opinion that this step is mostly always taken too quickly, to move through the relationship stages at a fast pace. As Time says, LATs happen for several reasons but is best practiced by those looking to keep personal independence.
Cultural, technological, and psychological shifts are all influencing relationship evolution. People are delaying marriage, with the average age now about 30 for males and 28 for women, and many prefer to stay single for the foreseeable future ( The Pew Center). Traditional lifelong commitments are becoming less popular, as more couples prefer cohabitation to marriage, ( Cohabitation and Marriage: Shifting Trends, 2019). Situationships, ambiguous relationships without clear definitions, and non-monogamous arrangements like polyamory are becoming popular, especially among younger generations. According to studies, about one-fifth of all adults have engaged in consensual non-monogamy, (Moors, A., Consensual Non-Monogamy in the 21st Century, 2020). Technology has also fundamentally altered the way relationships start and develop. Online dating is becoming the most popular way for couples to meet, but it also leads to more options and more informal interactions.
Declining birth rates and fluctuating family configurations show shifting priorities, as economic insecurity and job demands result in fewer nuclear families and more single-parent homes. An increasing emphasis on self-development is altering partnerships, as more people choose their mental health and job goals over traditional romantic commitments.
The growing awareness of attachment types and early trauma has changed how people interact. Therapy and self-reflection are becoming increasingly important, with many people attempting to repair emotional wounds before committing to a relationship. There is a notable shift towards more flexible, less traditional interpersonal dynamics, in which people value personal fulfillment over society standards. Today’s relationships are more adaptable, digital, and self-centered, emphasizing personal development and emotional freedom above strict structures. These shifts represent a deeper shift in how individuals see love, intimacy, and commitment in the modern era.
Still, old traditions take time to change. There are still many established relationships that are practicing the “adaptive personality” and “we-self” concepts. In her book, Intimacy and Solitude, Stephanie Dowrick investigates how we balance closeness with others and independence. The adaptive personality and the “we-self” are two critical concepts that she addresses.
Individuals who rank conformity and approval of others, often at the expense of their authenticity, are characterized by the adaptive personality. This can result in emotional dissatisfaction and a loss of self-identity, as they suppress their needs, seek external validation, and struggle with boundaries. Codependency 101!
The “we-self” is a dysfunctional dynamic in which two individuals with weak individual identities merge to create a false sense of wholeness. This can lead to codependency, where the relationship feels necessary for survival but stifles personal development. Dowrick contrasts this with interdependence, where two individuals keep their individuality while fostering genuine intimacy. This concept ties in strongly with my work on codependency and my On-Demand Therapy program. Many people trapped in a “we-self” dynamic mistake their enmeshment for intimacy, when in reality, it prevents personal healing and development.
As I suggest in the program, there is only one sure fire way of recovering from codependency and that is to find the individual within you and look inward. That process will be difficult to start with and many will have setbacks but that is the price for any positive change.
For many, especially codependents, being an individual within a relationship is a foreign concept and one that is dificult to achieve. Some never find it and many relationships are based on ‘we’, instead of ‘I’ in a healthy sense.
Maintaining a strong sense of individuality within a relationship is essential for the health, happiness, and longevity of the partnership. Many people believe that entering a relationship means sacrificing their personal identity and molding themselves to fit the needs and desires of their partner. Yet, this mindset can be detrimental to both parties involved. I discuss individuality in relationships in more detail here. The concept of Individuality and why it is essential.
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