Around two years ago, I wrote a philosophical post contemplating the question: What Do We Need to Make Us Happy? As is my habit, I shared this article across various platforms, inviting readers to reflect and respond. On one particular site, the post sparked a lively discussion, with numerous individuals offering their insights into the nature of happiness and how to achieve, recognize, and sustain it. The responses varied widely, yet they shared common themes: the importance of self-love, a supportive partner, financial security, a fulfilling career, and the joys of parenthood, among others. While the specifics of each response were often elusive, the overarching consensus supported my initial assertion—happiness is deeply personal, shaped by a unique blend of factors that differ for each individual.
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This feedback led me to further contemplation. While these commonly cited elements—relationships, financial stability, career satisfaction—can certainly contribute to happiness, they are not universally applicable. There’s a deeper, often overlooked aspect that, in my view, plays a crucial role in personal happiness, regardless of one’s external circumstances, be it a good or bad job, wealth or poverty, or the presence or absence of a partner. This missing piece is the ability to see life as a series of problems that need solving. Our struggles and subsequent unhappiness often stem from either an unwillingness or an inability to confront these problems. Left unresolved, these issues accumulate, casting a shadow over all aspects of our lives.
One of my favorite authors, Scott Peck, eloquently captured this truth in his seminal work The Road Less Traveled. He wrote, “Life is difficult… one of the greatest truths… Most do not see this and spend most of their life moaning more or less incessantly that life should be easy. Life is a series of problems… do we want to moan about them or solve them? Discipline is the basic set of tools that we need to solve life’s problems. Without discipline, we can only solve some of life’s problems. With it, we can solve all problems.”
Peck’s words resonate deeply with me. He provides a blueprint for happiness that many overlook: the idea that challenges and problems are not merely obstacles but opportunities for growth. However, rather than embracing these opportunities, we often avoid the discomfort they bring, turning to various methods of distraction in a misguided attempt to “make ourselves happy.” While some challenges are undeniably more daunting than others, there are those who find even the smallest issue insurmountable. I am convinced that confronting and overcoming these challenges, no matter how minor, is crucial for building self-esteem and, ultimately, happiness.
One of the primary tactics we employ to avoid challenges is the pursuit of instant gratification. This behavior explains a wide range of actions, from comfort eating and compulsive shopping to serial relationships and addictions. The desire to feel “good” in the face of a challenge drives many to procrastinate, putting off the necessary but difficult work of problem-solving. Delayed gratification—choosing to face problems first and reward ourselves later—requires discipline and willpower, qualities that are unfortunately in short supply. However, it’s also essential to strike a balance; delay gratification for too long, and life can become a joyless grind.
The roots of our difficulty in delaying gratification are not always clear, but childhood experiences often play a significant role. Both overly permissive and overly strict boundaries can contribute to this issue. Ineffective parenting is frequently cited as a primary cause. Many children, if not taught to delay gratification early on, struggle to develop this ability later in life. Unfortunately, many overburdened parents lack the resolve to instill the discipline necessary for problem-solving, often opting for the easier path of giving in to their children’s demands. We’ve all seen parents who, exhausted, hand over sweets or turn on the television just to avoid a tantrum.
When we indulge ourselves in the face of challenges, what we’re truly doing is hoping that the problem will either resolve itself or be handled by someone else. This is a form of shirking responsibility. When children grow up in households where they hear one thing but see another, it’s no wonder that discipline and responsibility are lacking. I recall from my own experience being warned about certain dangers, only to see the very people issuing those warnings engaging in the same risky behaviors. The message this sends to a child is clear: you don’t really need to practice what you preach. When parents fail to hold their children accountable, it sets a default method of problem-solving: why face a difficult issue when I can do something more enjoyable and suffer no consequences?
Even when we are forced to confront an issue, how many of us truly persevere? How often do we give up at the first sign of difficulty, declaring, “It’s too hard, too painful, I can’t”? How many of us genuinely attempt to solve a problem before throwing in the towel and lamenting that life should be easier?
Scott Peck’s insights are as relevant today as ever. He reminds us that life is indeed difficult, but by embracing our challenges, facing the associated pain, and applying discipline, we can transcend the notion that life is merely a series of insurmountable obstacles. In doing so, we move closer to true happiness.
