We often talk about dysfunctional relationships in terms of one partner being narcissistic. Many of my clients use the label, reinforced by self-help literature and recovery programs. My feeling is that if you’ve reached the point of calling a partner this, you may have overlooked manipulation that went before. It was likely noticed, but nothing was done about it. Recognising a manipulative partner isn’t easy—it’s often subtle.
People who are easily manipulated usually have abandonment issues and feel the need to make the relationship work at all costs. Manipulators sense this and use it to their advantage. Their tactics erode self-worth and are often rooted in their own toxic childhood experiences. Manipulation can appear in family, friendships, professional, or romantic relationships.
In relationships, manipulation involves deception and pressure to alter behaviour or beliefs, often through emotional tactics that destabilise the victim. Signs to watch for include:
- Gaslighting: making you doubt your reality with phrases like “You’re crazy,” “That’s not true,” or “You’re too sensitive”.
- Emotional Intensity: love bombing, turmoil, and confusion used to keep control.
- Lying and Blaming: refusing responsibility, shifting blame, and constant criticism.
- Threats and Withdrawal: using coercion, silent treatment, or withholding affection as punishment.
- Criticism and Degradation: attacking self-esteem to make you doubt your judgment.
- Walking on Eggshells: avoiding topics or actions for fear of anger or outbursts.
- Guilt: exploiting insecurities and altruism to induce dependence.
- Control: isolating you from others and dictating choices.
- Mood Swings: rage or silence to punish and dominate.
- No Resolution: endless arguments without solutions, used as ammunition.
If you are in such a relationship, find the courage to leave. Manipulators rarely change, and staying costs you self-esteem, identity, and peace.
This connects directly to codependency. Many codependents struggle to maintain no-contact with manipulative ex-partners. Despite freedom, they often keep communication open—checking social media, holding onto numbers, or making excuses. This mirrors childhood experiences with neglectful or abusive caregivers, where they learned that giving was the only way to gain attention.
As adults, the same dynamic drives them toward emotionally distant, manipulative partners in a desperate quest for validation. Even after recovery, one call or text can trigger a relapse, recreating the initial “hook” and leaving them re-traumatised.
The only way forward is strict no-contact. Block every avenue and lock every door. In the long run, you’ll be glad you did.
