We can find various definitions of narcissism on the internet and not all of them are correct. Some are based on people’s personal experiences of being in relationships with people who are self-centred, selfish but not narcissist. They might also have been healthy and misunderstood. We must state at this point, that only someone diagnosed by a licenced mental health professional can be called a “narcissist”. That said, many who would qualify wouldn’t allow themselves to be tested. Still, how much do we really know about narcissism and its effects.
As with many other personality disorders, narcissism is caused by how people develop their sense of self and identity and this often occurs as a way to cope with vulnerability, fear or shame. For some, it is a clear survival strategy from childhood experiences where they built a “grandiose or special” persona to protect themselves from a shortage of love, feeling neglected or traumatised. Some children were also treated as “entitled” and bring that into adulthood. We have to rememember that narcissism exists on a spectrum and that spectrum ranges from healthy confidence to pathological that causes immense harm to others.
This spectrum includes the “grandiose narcissist” who have an overly inflated view of their own abilities and who they are. They constantly seek external validation and special treatment and will show anger if this is not forthcoming. Under this bravado, is a huge self-esteem void that needs filling with adulation from other people. They could also be communal narcissists who seek validation from being a pillar of the community. However, the work they do is more about their ego than about genuine care.
In contrast, the vulnerable narcissist are introverted and present themselves as insecure, shy or humble. Their main weapon is defensiveness and passive agressive behaviour associated with the drama triangle. They are very sensitive to criticism and will attack with rage if they feel overly criticised. Similar the to grandiose version, they still feel the need to be treated in a “special” way.
The worst type and the one most documented is the malignant narcissist who displays extreme anti-social behaviour which leads to exploitative, manipulative and vindictive behaviour in relationships. These individuals lack basic empathy and see relationships as a tool for control. The idea that that they might be causing choas in someone’s life, is often an appealing side effect for them.
Many articles will tell you that setting boundaries around the above will help you have a relationship with them, or maybe even therapy will help. In my experience, therapy is another tool to be manipulated. My advice is to anyone involved with the above (and you know it), then get out as soon as you can and work on why you allowed this person into your life in the first place.
