So, you have done the hard part. The narcissist is thankfully gone. It matters little whether discard happened or the courage was finally found to get rid of them, the important thing is that they are gone. So what next? How do you move on from being emotionally, physical and probably financially drained and abused? Join me on November 9th for a four week program to recover from narcissistic abuse.
“I need validation from him and him alone, no-one else matters; He never gives me it but I wait for the day he does. If he called me now, I would go back to him.”
“I feel empty now he is gone, my life has ended and I just need contact”
“He hit me and abused me but I keep thinking that it could be worse with someone else. In the end, I believed I deserved it because I stayed”
The above statements might have come from someone who had been involved in a sect but you might be surprised to hear that they come from people in codependent recovery after narcissist abuse. Normal people who have been badly emotionally abused by a master manipulator to the extent that they are so enmeshed with their abuser that they cannot let go. They are still tuned into to the needs of their abuser. Not all codependents are affected to this extent but many are. This is where we can draw real comparisons between these and the victims of larger cases.
One of the key elements of codependent recovery is to break the fantasy that was first created in the adulation stage, the beginning of the relationship (or the beginning of the end). Even though this is often followed by abuse, devaluation and discard, the fantasy maintains itself long after the narcissist has departed.
Whatever situation they find themselves in, breaking the emotional bond that ties a codependent to their abuser is essential. To the extreme, this bond can exhibit elements of Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD, where the victim finds comfort from being with their abuser and convinces themselves they are in an isolated “bubble”. Until this is done, the effects of narcissist abuse will endure longer than the narcissist.
Once in recovery, it is important to move the focus away from the narcissist onto recovery and there are things that can be done to aid this.
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- Work with a therapist who is skilled in working with codependents and has worked through codependent issues of their own. Only a therapist who understands codependency will be able to put together an effective framework for recovery. This will include self-care techniques, awareness of the typical narcissist relationship and self-forgiveness. A good framework will also look at the root cause of codependency.
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- Start doing the things you stopped doing. Most codependents would have been totally immersed in their narcissist partner and controlled to a large extent. Most narcissists will try to isolate their victims from friends and family and these relationships might have suffered. These can be a support measure if successfully revived.
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- Get active again. Again, many codependents will give up activities that they enjoyed before the narcissist appeared. It is essential to rediscover these.
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- Avoid instant gratification. The temptation may be to “make yourself feel better” with alcohol, drugs or rebound relationships.
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- Accept that you have been abused. It is very easy to “romanticise” a bad relationship and filter out the bad. Narcissists are always perfect partners during the adulation stage but their true character comes out when the “mask” drops. This is the behaviour to concentrate on.
