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Therapy Shorts: Now with added Journalling Prompts and Therapist Take Away

We are all sold the idea that we need to give ourselves to the chosen one. This comes from society, marketing companies, parents, peers and also religion. We fully expect to find “that” person and head off on the inevitable journey that includes marriage, career, children and a retirement spent catching up on all the things we sacrificed for that dream.

However, the global divorce rate of over 60 percent clearly says that “dream” is a pipe dream at best, especially when many people can expect to have more than one marriage in their lifetime. There is a lot of emphasis on external relationships in most cultures, how we are expected to behave and sacrificing your own needs is seen as a facet of “love”. Those who want to keep a modicum of individuality are often labelled “distant”, “emotionally distant” or “narcissist”. (That’s not to say that these people don’t exist but maybe not in the numbers portrayed).

I have always liked the terms “healthy” narcissism and codependency. That means in the former, you look after yourself but have the space to be there for others. In the latter, you care for others but have space for yourself. I guess it just depends on personality which one is prevalent. I wonder why this concept is not more celebrated in articles and the media, who prefer to fuel the codependency/narcissist dance.

Individuality doesn’t mean being alone or living a solitary life, through people who have a healthy concept of individuality will find this easier. What many people fail to grasp is that individuality can (and should) exist within a relationship. The amount of advice you can find on what makes a good relationship is overwhelming. Just about anyone you ask will have a different opinion based on their own experience and relationship. We create a different dynamic with every person we decide to try with but some things stay the same and move from one relationship to another. This includes our never-ending ability to absorb ourselves and effectively lose our identity for the ‘one’.

In my opinion, one of the greatest factors of any successful relationship is what we do in the time spent with our partner but crucially, what we do when are not with them. Society and tradition says that we need to give all to our partner but that is not sustainable. We need to keep something for ourselves. I like to look at it this way: See your relationship as three circles. One for you, where you spend quality time with yourself or friends, pursuing your individuality, one for your partner doing the same and a third circle for the relationship where quality time is spent together. 

Sounds ideal and individuality within a relationship is essential but many of us give that up in order to jump into the circle of the other. I have known people who start relationship who give up everything they held dear about themselves and take on what their new partner does. As I said in a recent article, the one question you should be asking on initial dates, is what do you do for yourself, how do you work on yourself?

Getting to know ourselves is often a difficult concept when we are taught and conditioned that our sacrifice and denial of this will bring the rewards in a relationship. It is a process that we need to follow and it often means getting to know how we think and react, changing habits and behaviour and setting values for our life. A reasonable question to start this process could be: ‘What have I been denying myself’. Of course, this question can be answered many ways but ideally it might start off a discussion with yourself about what you have been giving up in order to please or control. It is important to mention that this individual focus is healthy and not associated with narcissism or selfishness. Stephen Covey often said that an ideal relationship is formed by two balanced individuals who create a special place for a relationship without losing their personal goals and ambitions. I fully agree with this.

Journaling Questions:

Identity & Sacrifice:

• • What parts of myself have I put on hold or given up in past or current relationships?

• • Which of those sacrifices felt loving and which felt like self-sacrifice?

Healthy Individuality:

• • What activities, interests, or habits make me feel most like me?

• • How can I better protect time and energy for those things?

Relationship Patterns:

• • When I start a relationship, do I tend to merge quickly or maintain boundaries?

• • What fears or beliefs might drive me to over-focus on the other person?

The Three Circles Model:

• • What does my “personal circle” look like right now? Full? Neglected?

• • What would improve the relationship circle — without shrinking my own?

Needs and Nourishment:

• • What have I been denying myself in order to please someone else?

• • What would change if I allowed myself to meet those needs?

Future Intentions:

• • What values do I want to bring into my next chapter of relationships?

• • How will I recognize when I am losing my individuality again?

Therapist Takeaway:

A strong relationship isn’t built on self-sacrifice, it’s built on two secure, self-aware individuals who choose to combine their lives without abandoning themselves. Your individuality is not a threat to love, it is an essential part of it.