Therapy Shorts 42: Boundaries Aren’t About Keeping People Out. They’re About Keeping Yourself In

Therapy Shorts: Now with reflection questions, journalling prompts and therapist take away!

Most people don’t see the value of boundaries, mainly because they were never taught how to set or receive them. This will be a major subject of the upcoming therapy group starting on November 9th. A lot of people see boundaries as walls. Something you need to establish to block others from getting too close or doing harm. Healthy boundaries aren’t about keeping people out, they are about keeping yourself in. Your values, peace, integrity and your sense of self.

When you are codependent or been in a relationship with a narcissist, boundary setting can seem an impossible task. Your mind says, as it’s been trained to do, that love is sacrifice, that saying no means rejection and setting boundaries is selfish and causes conflict. Instead, you try to read other peoples minds, adjusting your behaviour to avoid conflict and keep the peace, then mould yourself into the version of you that you think they need.

This leaves you hollow and exhausted. You lose the idea of where you end and they start. You believe that if you set boundaries, that people will leave and fear the reaction. However, not setting boundaries means that you lose something very important, yourself.

A boundary shouldn’t be seen as punishment but a declaration of identity. This is my personal space. “This is who I am and this is what I stand for”. It’s not about controlling someone else and their reaction to your boundary is not your responsibility, it’s about protecting your own physical and emotional space. You won’t be able to stop others crossing boundary lines but you can decide what you do about that and how. 

Setting boundaries for the first time will bring with it a plethora of emotions. You will feel guilty, anxious and perhaps even selfish. Especially if calling you this is a reaction from the other side. As a codependent, setting a boundary goes against everything that you know to be true. Love for you is self-abandonment, avoiding conflict by keeping others happy, However, that peace is generally temporary and true peace comes from aligning with your personal values. 

When you start to honour those values, something will definitely shift. (If you are not sure of your values, think about how you want to be treated, that’s a start). You stop chasing the validation you sought from them, you stop over explaining and you stop waiting for them to respect you, because you are doing it for yourself. From then on, it gets easier because the people who truly do respect you will adapt. The ones who loved your lack of boundaries will resist or leave. Either way, you will be free of them. 

So, next time you think of a boundary as a wall or worry about how they will react, reframe the thought. It’s not a wall…it’s a doorway back to yourself. Once you step through it, you will never want to go back.

Reflection: Keeping Yourself In

Boundaries can feel harsh when you’ve spent your life trying to be kind. But notice what happens when you view them differently, not as rejection, but as self-containment.

Ask yourself:

• • How often do I bend my values to keep someone else comfortable?

• • What parts of myself do I silence in order to stay “loved”?

• • Where in my life do I confuse self-protection with punishment?

Healthy boundaries aren’t about shutting people out — they’re about staying anchored in who you are, even when others don’t approve. The more you stay connected to your truth, the less you’ll need other people’s permission to live it.

Journaling Prompts:

1. 1. When was the last time I said yes when I meant no?
      Describe what you were afraid would happen if you’d said no instead.

1. 1. What does it mean for me to stay in myself?
      List specific ways you can protect your personal space, emotionally, physically, or energetically.

1. 1. Who in my life respects my boundaries and who tests them?
      Notice the pattern. What does this teach you about your current relationships?

1. 1. If I believed my needs mattered as much as anyone else’s, what would change?

Therapist Take Away

Boundaries aren’t designed to push love away, they act as a filter for love. They show you who is capable of meeting you where you are and who only thrives when you lose yourself. Every time you set a healthy boundary, you show the people around you how you want to be treated. More importantly, you remind yourself that you are worth protecting.