Today I want to talk about a behaviour that many people carry like a badge of honour, but underneath, it’s slowly draining them. A behaviour that gets praised, rewarded, and even encouraged, yet quietly destroys authenticity, intimacy, and emotional balance. And that behaviour is people-pleasing.
If this resonated, subscribe to the YouTube channel and join me for more weekly insights on people-pleasing, boundaries, and emotional self-leadership.
If you’ve lived this pattern, you’ll know exactly what I mean. You’re the one who keeps the peace. The one who softens your tone, edits your truth, swallows your frustration, and rearranges yourself to make sure no one else is uncomfortable. You might even tell yourself it’s who you are, that you’re just naturally caring, naturally patient, naturally helpful. But if you slow down for just a moment, you’ll notice something else sitting underneath it, tension, anxiety, a familiar sense of responsibility that never really switches off.
People-pleasing isn’t a personality trait. It’s a survival strategy. It’s something you learned early, in environments where being agreeable wasn’t optional , it was necessary. Maybe you grew up around unpredictable moods. Maybe love felt conditional. Maybe conflict meant emotional distance, or worse. And so you adapted. You became attuned, alert, careful. You learned that keeping other people settled created a sense of safety for you.
The problem is, that strategy follows you into adulthood long after the original danger has passed. And it shows up everywhere, in your relationships, your friendships, your work, even in the way you speak to yourself. You keep everyone else comfortable at the expense of your own needs. You disappear just to stay connected.
In this episode, we’re going to look at why people-pleasing feels so automatic, what it actually costs you, and how you begin to step out of it. Not by becoming hard or detached, but by becoming honest, with yourself first, and then with others.
JOURNALLING QUESTIONS
You can use these after the outro or post them separately:
- Where do I say “yes” while my whole body says “no”?
- What am I afraid will happen if I disappoint someone?
- Who taught me that approval meant safety?
- What emotion do I avoid by keeping others happy?
- Where in my life do I feel invisible?
- What boundary, if honoured, would change everything?
- What version of myself am I performing?
- What would I do if I wasn’t afraid of disapproval?
- What parts of me need permission to stop pleasing?
- What does the authentic “me” actually want?
THERAPIST TAKEAWAY
People-pleasing is not kindness, it’s a nervous system strategy rooted in early survival. It helped you then, but it limits you now. Healing requires recognising where you disappear, where you over-function, and where guilt replaces authenticity. Real connection begins the moment you let yourself be seen, even when it risks disappointment. The goal isn’t to become less caring, it’s to become more you, with boundaries.
Download Journalling Questions in PDF: HERE
