Do you get that slump after Christmas? The familiar expectations and obligations have run their course. The indulgence is done, the social effort is over, and life starts getting back to normal. Yet, for many, it’s not the food or festivities that linger but the emotional residue of dealing with family time. You can live as a capable adult for most of the year and then find yourself shrinking, appeasing, people-pleasing, over-functioning or quietly filling with resentment within minutes of meeting them. That said, it is not always the case.
This rather familiar scenario doesn’t mean you have failed or that you are weak. It means your nervous system remembers. Family is where most of us learned what connection means and at what cost. So when you return, you are not only meeting relatives, you are recreating old roles. The responsible one, the irresponsible one, the peacekeeper, the helper, the scapegoat, the quiet one or the loud one. These roles exist because they stabilise the system, even when the system is dysfunctional. A family can function fully on maintaining these roles. The trouble comes when someone tries to change them.
Obligation is usually the driver of this. It isn’t love or togetherness, though it often feels like that. “You should”, “It’s family”, “Don’t be selfish”. When guilt comes up, many people believe they are doing something wrong, but often, it is simply proof they are doing something they haven’t been able to do before. Guilt is the echo of an old role that says, keep them happy or pay a price. If you remove guilt and fear, you may discover that your true preferences are somewhat different to performing.
One of the simplest techniques is to identify and name the role you are most likely to slip into and choose one simple sentence to counter it. “I’m not going to discuss that today.” “That doesn’t work for me”, “I’m going to take a moment to consider that”. No need for a dramatic speech or aggression, you just need to interrupt automatic behaviour.
If your role is the peacekeeper, for example, practice letting silence do some of the heavy lifting. Tell yourself that not everything needs smoothing over. Not every argument needs you in the middle. Peace that depends on you becoming small isn’t peace, it’s self erasure and a performance. If you are the scapegoat or the butt of jokes and blame, a clean boundary is what is called for. “I’m not being the joke today”. Then stop talking but repeat if necessary. You do not need to persuade; just stop participating in your being diminished.
If criticism or sarcasm is entrenched in your family system, choose one response you can live with, use it or end the conversation. Often, this is more about other people’s anxiety and control or indeed, unresolved differences, than it is about you.
If you do crash afterwards, take it seriously as nervous system recovery. Your body and mind have been shoved back in time. Acknowledge that it was a lot for you and self-care. Soothe but learn the lessons that you need to. Sometimes the most adult choice is not a perfect Christmas but how to have a better relationship with yourself when its over. If all else fails, next year can be based on your preferences.
Your Healing Journey Starts Here: Join Dr. Jenner’s Community!
