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Many people don’t choose relationships, they choose relief. They choose quickly, not wisely.

What does relief mean in this context? It means relief from boredom, loneliness, and the feeling that life is on hold until someone arrives. When we go for relief, our relationship standards drop and timeframes become shorter. We will judge “red flags” as “quirks” or not important. These factors are the basis of so-called “solutionships”, the practice of forming relationships to avoid discomfort rather than building genuine intimacy. 

For many people, loneliness isn’t just being alone, it’s the belief that you are incomplete without a partner. It’s the feeling that your life doesn’t really start until that person arrives and chooses you. The panic heightens when you are left alone in the evenings or weekends and under those circumstances, a belief develops that says that anyone is better than no-one. This will remove the immediate discomfort, even if that person is not right for you. I see this very often in therapy.

Aloneness, on the other hand is different, vastly so. It is the ability to be with yourself without collapsing and it is about developing an inner life that doesn’t depend solely on external reassurance. It is self-companionship and it doesn’t mean you don’t want a partner, it means it becomes a choice, not a rescue act. 

The way out isn’t to be a different person, it is to develop gradual self-leadership. You build the structure of aloneness, routines you enjoy, friendships that nourish you, interests that don’t depend on another persons moods. You practice staying in discomfort rather than escaping into enmeshment and self-abandonment. You learn to date with time and standards as drivers of the process and you watch closely for reciprocity, repair, responsibility and emotional availability. It is about abandoning the mantra of “choose quickly” and adopting one of “choose wisely”. 

Journalling questions:

1. When do I feel loneliness most strongly,  evenings, weekends, after rejection, after stress?
2. What do I typically do to escape that feeling?
3. What standards have I lowered in past relationships to avoid being alone?
4. What “job” do I take on in relationships (rescuer, fixer, peacekeeper, performer)?
5. What would a relationship look like where I don’t have to earn my place?
6. What are three small practices that build aloneness this week?
7. What does reciprocity look like to me, practically, not ideally?
8. If I trusted myself more, what would I stop tolerating?