We must start this off with the fact that is not always the case and some men are not only happy to do therapy but also put in the work and in my experience, women can do this too, though not as often. As couples therapy is only successful if both partners are fully engaged with a therapist they click with, you can imagine how it is if one is not engaged and as I said, it is more often the man. That doesn’t mean they are all narcissists, as some would have us believe but coming into therapy is often difficult for men. It’s also worth noting that these patterns are changing as more men are encouraged to explore their emotional lives and see therapy as a strength, not a weakness. Also worth noting is that if a narcissist is pushing therapy, they likely have an agenda for doing so, as I stated in this article.
In my experience, though, it is often the woman who appears to be dragging her partner into the session, while he is dragging his feet. This is clear while trying to make the first appointment where it is hard to pin the man down to a time. The first session is sometimes a torturous process as the man gets used to being asked questions about things he might have been in denial about. Sometimes the man is surprised at some of the topics his wife wants to cover, even if they have been issues for quite some time.
So why are men so reluctant to do couples therapy? Let’s look at some of the reasons.
Men are generally conditioned to see themselves as providers and problem solvers, with a concentration on being that and sometimes only that. Showing feelings and being vulnerable can shatter that image for men and the way they believe their partners see them. Boys are often encouraged to “man up” or “be a man and toughen up”. These messages tell a boy that emotional expression means weakness and asking for help means failure. Therapy, with its emphasis on vulnerability, directly clashes with these ingrained messages and many men see therapy as an attack on their masculinity and their way of seeing the world and often don’t see a reason to change things.
Men are very comfortable in the “fixer” role and pesky emotions stop that process. They like to be seen as the rock who can mend, improve and provide. They also relish the role of family protector and head of the family. Coming to therapy may well be a sign that they need to give up that control to their partner or an outside influence. I often hear “it’s working…why do we need to change things?” Older men may also see therapy as “unmanly” or “we shouldn’t be airing our dirty laundry outside the home”.
Many men will fear that sessions will just be about them and their faults and things they haven’t done properly, especially if their partners has been voicing frustrations and doubts. They may well assume that therapy will be the therapist and their partner ganging up on them and forcing change on them. This fear of being the “problem” is often the reason many men shut down, resist or sabotage the process. For them, they also feel that they won’t be understood or validated. For many men, dealing with feelings usually means withdrawing or using distraction (like humour, work or substances) to avoid instead of facing feelings head on. Feelings like hurt, sadness and shame are usually associated with weakness and avoided. Therapy hopes to bring out these feelings so sabotage is also a form of protection.
Common sabotage tactics include frequent cancellations or turning up late, being overly polite but not engaging, passive aggressive silence, arguing with the therapist or dismissing topics brought up. This is not about not loving their partner but feeling uncomfortable.
Therapists can help men feel comfortable in therapy by creating a safe neutral space where men don’t feel shamed or blamed. One technique is to start slowly rather than getting straight into the emotional work (even if their partner wants to). The use of practical, concrete language and validating the man’s strengths can help them to feel capable and engaged. Giving small responsible tasks between sessions consolidates this.
It is also vital to watch the power dynamic in the couple. A man could well be overwhelmed with lots of emotional input from their partner in a short time. This would likely lead to disengagement. It is important to expand the comfort zone the man is in so he sees therapy as a tool for growth, not as a vehicle to demean him. Above all, it is key for a therapist to remind men that therapy isn’t about fixing flaws. It’s all about building on connection and respect.
