It is very easy to practice personal autonomy when we are not in a relationship. Sometimes, as a means of survival, we need to get our act together and look after ourselves when alone. For codependents, this is often a time of stubborn avoidance. I have heard terms like ‘ I will never be in a relationship again‘ or ‘ I don‘t want anyone‘. This usually lasts until the next ‘The One‘ relationship appears. The fact is that if we can truly say that we are managing our codependent tendencies to the extent, we do not lose ourselves, personal autonomy is absolutely essential.
I have learnt this painful lesson as my life has developed. As a codependent myself, I have traditionally put the needs of others before myself. This is not altruistic but in a sense egoistic. It a means of control to ensure that I am indispensable in the lives of the people I want in my life. The background is, of course, that I believed on a deeper level, that I would not be accepted for who I really am (not that I really knew who that was earlier in my life). It came across as controlling and smothering and who wants that? Some will because they have an agenda of their own. Personal autonomy is not only essential but attractive to the right potential partners, who might want to retain their own. These people are often called narcissists by pop psychology but this is healthy narcissism, a very misunderstood concept.
So what does personal autonomy look like in a relationship? Below, I discuss this. It is worth fighting for and be aware of anyone who wants it different, including yourself!
Personal autonomy in a relationship is manifested via the subtle yet significant activities of daily living. This ensures that each individual is able to keep their sense of self while being emotionally attached to another person. The first step is to acknowledge the significance of autonomy, which can be defined as the ability and liberty to freely express oneself and make one’s own decisions. In order to ensure the well-being and longevity of any relationship, it is essential to consider this component, as it helps to establish a foundation of mutual respect, growth, and contentment.
When it comes to exercising personal liberty on a daily basis, one of the most important approaches is to respect the space and privacy of individuals. With the understanding and appreciation that each partner has for the other’s need for personal time and space, they acknowledge that time apart is not only beneficial but essential for the development of their own personal growth. The manifestation of this can take the form of having distinct locations within the home that each individual can withdraw to, or it can be the practice of keeping certain portions of one’s life for themselves. Regarding the other person’s need to be alone or to participate in personal activities without feeling abandoned or anxious, it is about honouring that need.
One of the most important factors in preserving one’s independence is the pursuit of one’s personal interests and hobbies. It entails actively supporting one another to participate in activities and hobbies that are done outside of the context of the relationship. Not only does this make it possible for individuals to develop and investigate their interests, but it also brings new vitality and experiences back into the relationship, which helps it to become more fulfilling.
The ability to make decisions and express ideas is another area in which autonomy is essential. It is important that every individual has the freedom to voice their opinions and to make choices that are in accordance with their wants and requirements. This encompasses everything from little decisions made on a daily basis to major choices made in life, with the goal of ensuring that both sides’ opinions are heard and valued.
Independence from one’s financial situation is another essential component of autonomy. Although it is possible for couples to share financial objectives and obligations, it is important for each individual to have their own personal financial space so that they can feel comfortable and independent. In order to ensure that both partners are able to have the freedom to manage their finances separately, this may need the establishment of separate bank accounts or the allocation of the money for personal spending.
In order to strike a balance between autonomy and intimacy, it is necessary to have open lines of communication, establish healthy limits, and cultivate a profound feeling of trust and respect. Both partners are able to recognise and respect each other’s autonomy while maintaining an emotional connection when they communicate openly about their wants, desires, and boundaries while maintaining their relationship. It is important to know where one person ends and the other begins when it comes to setting healthy boundaries. This makes it possible to avoid any sort of reliance or control that could potentially reduce one’s autonomy.
A healthy equilibrium between autonomy and intimacy requires a foundation of trust and respect. Establishing a connection that is more profound and respectful can be accomplished by having faith that the need for autonomy that each individual has does not decrease their love or commitment to the partnership. Supporting one another’s autonomy while simultaneously valuing the close connection that serves as the glue that holds the partnership together is the issue at hand.
On the other hand, preserving one’s own autonomy within the context of a relationship is not without its difficulties. To strike a balance between the requirements of the individual and the dynamics of the partnership, it is necessary to pay continual attention and make consistent efforts. Some of the most common difficulties include the experience of being neglected, mistaking one’s desire for space for a lack of interest, or having difficulty striking a healthy balance between being with others and being independent. When attempting to overcome these issues, it is often necessary to evaluate communication skills, make certain that both parties feel heard and respected, and regularly negotiate limits that respect both autonomy and intimacy.
In its most basic form, personal autonomy in a relationship refers to the practice of recognising and supporting the development and uniqueness of each personal partner. Having a daily practice of respecting space, supporting personal interests, and making decisions that honour both the individual and the partnership is something that should be done continuously. It is possible for couples to handle the hurdles and celebrate the delights of retaining individuality while also developing a relationship that is profoundly connected and rewarding if they communicate effectively, trust one another, and respect one another.
