William recognizes in this entry that he started to feel shame and was given growing responsibility for siblings, making him a caregiver. One can see in the way he defines himself how the relationship with his father especially, has left him with the idea that he is less than he should be. The barriers between childhood and adulthood are breaking down for William at this point and he is starting to feel responsible for making sure others felt good emotionally while he felt terrible himself and about himself. William is starting on the road to become a loner and isolate himself from his family, an act of emotional protection.
William’s story unfolds in Day 1 and Day 2.
I remember the first day we moved into our new house. I was five and the day being stressful for them meant that their usual discipline methods were at play. I was spanked by my father for wanting something, probably something innocent, and told to shut up by my mother. This day summed up how they dealt with stressful events generally. We were taught not to feel or to have any needs apart from the ones they thought we should have. We moved to a small town about 10 miles from the big house and I remember nothing except the being told to take my younger sibling to the local play park and look after him.
I was five, he was barely four. I already felt a sense of responsibility for him at that age and that was consolidated by warnings from my parents. I remember us being there for a long time and it was only made somewhat pleasant by meeting some of the other children in the town. We weren’t allowed back until they came to get us. Looking back, I cringe at the irresponsibility of it all but of course at that age, what they tell you goes and you believe it.
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There is so much…just so very much to destroy someone… to make them feel like nothing and nobody… to make them feel like they do not even exist…
It makes me sick, angry, hurt at the life he endured…
(I thought I would read the story of William again as the post about him today reminded me and I wanted to get things correct in my mind).