So, you have done the hard part. The narcissist is thankfully gone. It matters little whether discard happened or the courage was finally found to get rid of them, the important thing is that they are gone. So what next? How do you move on from being emotionally, physically and probably financially drained and abused?
It is generally a very difficult phase to cope with after the narcissist is gone. Coping with the aftermath of the tornado that blew through your life can be traumatic and exhausting. Many irrational thoughts will come up: “What could I have done?”, “If I had acted differently”, “What was it about me that made him change?”, “I want him back, I can’t live without him!”. All of these thoughts are the natural consequence of being involved with someone who hooked you into an illusion and fantasy of being “the best thing ever”. A line from an old song comes up… “Be careful of something that is just what you want it to be!”
The first issue to deal with is making sure they never come back or have the opportunity to do so. This means applying and maintaining strict no contact. Many people and especially codependents, cope well until the narcissist contacts them for more “supply”. Many will also leave a little door open for the narcissist to come through (blocking everything except e-mail, for example). I have often heard excuses such as “I want to check on the dog”, “It’s his daughters birthday” or bizarrely, “ I wanted to test myself to see if I would feel anything”.
Once no contact is maintained (and let’s not forget it is best for anyone to block a narcissist), work on the emotional effects can be done.
Then, educate yourself about narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding to make sense of what has just happened to you. You can start to rebuild trust in yourself by journalling or meditating. This will also allow you to feel the anger, grief and confusion that no doubt will occur. Remember that it is normal to feel all those things and more. Eventually, start to connect with interests you had before the narcissist, things that bring you joy. Healing isn’t linear and setbacks will happen. Seek out professional help if needed.
However, a point will come when enough work has been processed and then what? If someone has finally reached the point where they are over the whole experience, it is important to ensure that they have been taught to meet their own needs in terms of emotion and more practical measures such as more purpose. Many people see their purpose as “fixing” others and being there for them and self-care is not a priority. Finding a new purpose that is centred on self is essential.
