Detaching with love is one of the most challenging yet essential skills to master for those who are deeply ingrained in codependent relationships. It is often misconstrued and misunderstood. Detachment is seen as cold and harsh by the recovering codependent. It is accompanied by a sense of remorse, as if by withdrawing, you are betraying those who are dear to you. Still, this could not be further from the truth.
Abandonment is not the same as conscious detachment. It is an essential act of emotional self-preservation to detach with love.
Codependent relationships frequently involve the blurring of the boundaries between the individual and the other. You have been conditioned to believe that your well-being is dependant upon their emotional state. You often sacrifice your own mental health in an effort to regulate their emotions, resolve their issues, and alleviate their suffering. This over-functioning is a misguided expression of love, as your own needs are suppressed by a constant drive to “help.” Codependency is not love. It is control. You are trying to control your environment just as you did as a child. To survive.
Nevertheless, genuine conscious detachment necessitates a significant change in perspective. It is the acknowledgment that:
• You are not accountable for the decisions of another individual.
• It is possible to harbor affection for an individual without assuming the burden of their responsibilities.
• Your self-worth is not determined by the extent to which you make sacrifices for others.
Detaching with love means stopping trying to fix individuals who consistently refuse to accept responsibility for their own lives. It is the instant at which you recognize that you cannot influence their growth, or indeed, lack of. It is not a withdrawal of affection, but rather a rebalancing of it; a decision to extend the same compassion and care to yourself.
Initially, this process may feel deeply unpleasant, which is entirely understandable. Codependency has instilled in you the notion that to love is to enmesh one’s identity with the needs of another, to over-function, and to over-give. The act of detaching is akin to betraying this internal feeling. Nevertheless, it is crucial to acknowledge that detachment is not a form of punishment or rejection. It is a boundary that is derived from respect for both parties.
Detachment enables you to interact with others from a position of emotional lucidity, rather than one of guilt-driven obligation. You are not severing the connection. In order to grant others the autonomy to manage their own affairs, (which is their obligation to themselves) you are stepping back. You stop people pleasing, enabling and start to say no but also encourage others to meet their own needs while you meet yours.
In doing so, you are not diminished in your affection for them. You are merely incorporating yourself into the equation. And that, in and of itself, is a profound act of affection.
