Therapy Shorts 76: Living with a Codependent Man Who Uses Porn Instead of Dealing With the Relationship

When a codependent man uses porn instead of addressing intimacy, conflict or emotional discomfort, the relationship suffers. This article explains why it happens, how a partner can respond without enabling the pattern, and offers a practical couple exercise to rebuild honesty, trust, accountability and healthier emotional connection together. While this article deals with porn use by men, a separate article deals with how women use porn. That can be accessed through this LINK. General information about how porn use affects relationships can be found here. For other articles, use the AI search bar above.

As stated in my last article, many men turn to porn to avoid emotional issues in relationships. Depending on whether they are codependent or narcissistic, there will be different reasons behind the use. Codependents tend to escape honesty about the relationship and narcissists see it as an entitlement. How they react when confronted with this, will tell you what type of man you have on your hands. Codependents will be overcome with shame and will be easier to work with if they are willing to have the conversations they have been avoiding and narcissists will blame, deflect and gaslight. One might suggest that if you are in relationship with the latter, you have more than just porn use to deal with.

Codependency recovery is not as complicated as many would have you believe. The first step is awareness of symptoms and root causes. When this is established, direct action on the path to individuality is the antidote to codependency. Group therapy allows you to share that experience with others on the same path. It helps to know you are not alone in the journey. Join me on MARCH 29TH 2026 for a new round of group therapy dedicated to codependency recovery, delivered via Zoom; Plus free access to my Codependency Self-Help Program (worth 390 USD). More Details HERE

If you are in a relationship with a codependent man who uses porn (and you find out), it can leave you with a myriad of feelings and emotions. Confusion, hurt, anger, humiliation would all be normal under the circumstances. However, you might end up asking the wrong questions if you hold on to these feelings. Asking “ What’s wrong with me?”, is usually not the issue to center on. More useful would be what your partner is avoiding by using porn instead of staying present in the relationship.

You would not be surprised to hear that codependent men often struggle with the emotional side of adulthood. From the outside, they look caring, loyal and fully invested but underneath all that can often sit avoidance, dependency, huge resentment and an inability to tolerate frustration and discomfort. Porn then becomes their escape route as it offers control, relief, fantasy and distance and crucially, it asks absolutely nothing of him emotionally. There is no challenge, no expectations, disappointment and no confrontation with honesty. In that sense, it is less about sex and more about emotional escape.

Discover Dr. Jenner’s Intensive Therapy, available on demand at your own pace. Subscribe to Dr. Jenner’s 13-week Self-Leadership Program specifically designed for codependents. This program focuses on cultivating awareness and taking actionable steps towards personal growth and autonomy. Start your journey to self-leadership and empowerment with expert guidance and support.

All that should not minimise the impact on the partner. It is squarely a relationship issue if it is secretive, compulsive and replaces intimacy and emotional honesty. It should not be said that a partner is prudish, inflexible or controlling if they recognise this happening. A great deal of harm can be done when this is not being taken seriously or seen as something not important. Just because modern culture might suggest that a lot of men do it, it doesn’t make it right.

So how should a partner deal with this. Firstly, don’t investigate endlessly, lecture, plead or position yourself as the one who must rescue him and the relationship. That only feeds the pattern. Be clear and name clearly what you see. Be honest about the impact it has for you on trust, intimacy and the connection between you. Keep it simple.

Secondly, see how he reacts and takes responsibility. Not whether he feels ashamed, cries, apologises or promises to change but whether he is willing to truly accept accountability. Words are not accountability, shame is not accountability. Real change comes from, honesty, consistency, openness and a willingness to understand why he retreats into porn rather than facing himself in the relationship. If he defends, blames you, gaslights or suggests that he might “deserve” to do this, your thoughts should be on how you might exit the relationship.

A useful exercise for couples is this: sit down for twenty minutes with no phones, no distractions and no interruptions. One person speaks for five minutes using only “I” statements. For example, “I feel shut out when porn replaces closeness,” or “I use porn when I feel pressure, resentment or emotional exposure.” The other person does not interrupt, defend or correct. They simply reflect back what they heard. Then swap over. After both have spoken, each person answers two questions: What am I avoiding here? and What would rebuilding trust actually require of me? Not in theory, but in behaviour. Keep the conversation grounded, brief and honest.

In the end, this is not just about porn. It is about whether you are with a man who is willing to grow up emotionally. That is the real issue and it usually sits underneath everything else.